Holy Water

As many of you know, I have talked about past and how I was a victim of rape. It has been quite the journey going through this and I have been working extremely hard since about March of last year to face this finally and move forward and heal. It has been a lengthy and at times torturous process. And I haven't talked about it in awhile and I just kind of wanted to put an update out there about it.

I know this is never an easy subject to approach, let alone have an in depth conversation about it. It is a rigorous daily effort to face the pain and the healing process that goes with it. But it is also such a freeing process as well, especially when you do begin to heal. I know this will always be a part of me, there will always be some sort of pain associated with it, but I can now tell you and fellow victims that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is healing and joy. It seems impossible, I know I felt like it did, but with time, and God, all things are possible.

I couldn't have done this on my own. With the help of my therapist, my husband, my friends, family, and most of all God, I think I have finally begun the true healing process. I was so frustrated because I couldn't understand what was holding me back. Why was this taking so long to move forward and deal with? It just seemed like every time I thought about it, it was such heart wrenching pain. I realized that it was forgiving my assailant that was holding me back.

But HOW on earth do you forgive someone like that? How can you forgive the situation? I was under the impression that forgiveness looked like this- you had to wish the person well, and if you saw them in person you would be able to talk to them and just act like nothing ever happened. That you think nothing but good things towards them. And come on, that is just not possible in this situation. And then it brought me down because I felt like I was a horrible person, a horrible Christian because I couldn't forgive him. I felt like such a failure. And I knew this was what was holding me back from healing. But I just kept holding it in and didn't want to talk about it because I just didn't think it was possible.

It finally came up in therapy and she explained to me that my idea of forgiveness in this situation was not ideal. He doesn't deserve that type of forgiveness, but there is a way to forgive him. I did not need to wish him well, I did not need to have a friendship with him, I did not need to smile at him or talk to him, I did not need to feel obligated to think he was a nice person, because he isn't. That kind of forgiveness in this situation is not appropriate. Forgiveness in this situation looks like not wishing him ill will, or punishment upon him. Knowing that one day God will give him just that. Not letting him have the control over me. For example if I saw him, I would immediately panic and almost have a panic attack and just have to get out of the room. There will be a reaction to him, but if I have the control, this time I won't need to do that. Instead I can give him the look of we both know what you did, I dare you to come over here because I will kick your butt. Showing him he does not have that control over you anymore. It does not mean I need to wave and smile at him at all. It is releasing that control where every day is not consumed with thoughts of this and that you now control your thoughts and feelings towards this.

And let me tell you, getting back this control is AMAZING. It feels like part of my soul has been restored and that part of me that has been missing for so long has surfaced again. He never took my innocence, even though it felt like it, he did however hurt my innocence enough for it to lock itself up deep inside and never want to come out. She was always there, I just held to help release her. Once you have forgiven this person, then you actually get to start the grieving process for what happened. I had never grieved for what happened to my 19 year old self. And now that I had the control, I could allow myself too. This has been a few month process to allow myself to grieve. Some things I experienced during this time to help me grieve were working out to a song I could be angry at him and do some kickboxing and beat him up in my mind. Every time I feel vulnerable, I just listen to Kelly Clarkson-Never Again and it reminds me how he does not deserve his control on me, I am taking it back!

Another thing I did which was very hard, but I wrote a letter to myself at 19 right after it happened. I was myself now and told her what's been happening over all this time. But to not be scared and that we are ok now. And that I know it shut me down completely but it's ok to release that innocent me inside and come out. I am with someone I can trust to not hurt me. And it's ok to be happy and move on with life. And we now have control and won't let anything like that happen again. I also told her how sorry I was we had to go through this, but we know understand God has a plan for us. And from the bad, he finds joy and finds a way to use us. And that our misery is our ministry. And now I am working towards being part of the care team at church to help counsel other young woman about this and life in general. As horrible as that experience was, God is making it into something beautiful.

I also wrote him a letter and just let everything out, screamed at him and just said everything I have always wished I could. I honestly couldn't even read what I was writing by the end because I was just letting it flow out of me and screaming at the paper. It felt so good. So many things I wished I could scream at him and tell him how I thought of him. It was a release I needed in order to move through with the grieving process. After I finished writing it, I tore it up into a million pieces and threw him and his control away. Never again will I let this person control my thoughts or feelings, I am taking it back!

I finally feel that the healing process has begun. I am starting to feel alive again and feel comfortable in my own skin. Finding out who God created me to be all along not who I thought he wanted me to be. Finding out who I am as a wife, friend, and daughter of God. The real me that was behind a wall put up so long ago.

Today, a friend showed me this video. It is about one of the band members sisters being raped. It is not like songs are written about this all the time. It is such an amazing and powerful video. My hope is for all those who have been through this, that this video may help in some one. Know that someone out there understands. They care. You aren't alone. And you can cry out and let those feelings out.

Big and Rich-Holy Water

What I experienced watching this video was relief, tears of relief. I completely understand this pain so so very much and for so long this is how I felt. I just wanted it to be taken away, I just wanted to be taken away and not feel this anymore, it feels like endless pain. But today, I finally don't feel that way. Watching this made me realize I finally don't feel that vulnerable and out of control. I feel God's love and see I am in control now. I have taken back my life and it makes me so happy to see how far I have come and to not feel that excruciating pain anymore. I am healing. And this is a huge step for me. It does make me sad though to know I went through that pain, and to know so many women are stuck in that pain right now. I wish I could just hold them all and tell them how beautiful they are and they will be released from this one day.

This will always be a journey for me, and a part of me. I feel as though my wound is healing and I have a scab right now that is turning into a scar. There is still some pain but it's lessening every day as it heals. Once it turns into a scar, I will always look at it and remember the pain and what happened, but it will no longer hurt so bad. I accept what happen, and know it is a part of me, but God has shown me how beautiful this scar will be. It will not be an ugly scar to hide, but a scar to be proud of and be able to share with others.

My wish to all those experiencing this is that they one day too will be proud of this scar and see that God has  a plan for them, a beautiful one. If you are trying to deal with this on your own I encourage you to see help from friends, family, counseling, and most importantly God. He is the one true healer and with him anything is possible. There is an end to all this pain, I promise you. One day you will be proud of who you are, scars and all.

Proverbs 31:25-She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Tomato Basil Soup

Ok, a lot of people have been asking me to post this recipe on my blog! So I figured 3 months later is a good enough time to do so! Oops! So here it is! It is by far one of the best tomato soups I have ever tasted! And it makes it sooo much better since it is weight watchers!

Yum-O

Original source for the recipe-http://foodfeminismlife.blogspot.com/2012/05/creamy-tomato-soup.html

Tomato Basil Soup

Servings: 4 • Points Plus: 3
Servings Size: 1 1/2 cups
Calories: 150 • Fat: 4g • Carbs: 25g • Protein: 5g • Sugar: 14g • Fiber: 5g

Ingredients:

• 2  15oz cans of tomato sauce (only ingredients should be tomatoes & spices)
• 1/2 can of water
• 2 cups grape tomatoes, slightly pureed 
• 1/2 vidalia onion, chopped small
• 2-3 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 TB olive oil
• 1/2 cup of fat free half-and-half
• 1/2 tsp kosher salt
• 1 TB sugar
• 1/2 tsp garlic powder
• 1/2 tsp onion powder
• 1/4 tsp red pepper flakes
• 1/2 tsp dried basil
• OPTIONAL-tbsp of Franks Red Hot (if you want a little zing to your soup!)

Directions:

1)  Puree the grape tomatoes with either a food chopper or the small bowl of your food processor. Don't have either? Toss them into the regular food processor & it will do just fine. Heat the olive oil over medium heat in a medium soup pan & saute the garlic & onion until the onions are soft. Once soft, add the tomatoes & their juices.


2) Add all of the spices to the tomato mixture & toss. Add the two cans of tomato sauce & a half can of water. Bring to a boil, reduce to medium heat, & add the half-and-half. Simmer for about 15 minutes, taste for seasoning, and serve.

Enjoy everyone! Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, etc, you know all those holidays I have missed! Bad blogger! Hoping to get back into blogging more this year! 

Funfetti Cake Dip

This stuff is so good if you love funfetti things! It's like crack! This was one of the few things I made for thanksgiving this week! Tell me if you ever make it.. and how much you loved it!

It is super duper stinkin easy too. Anyone can make it! Kids would love to make it and eat it! I got the recipe and pics from www.eatyourselfskinny.com Look how easy this is, 3 ingredients people!

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Servings:24

Serving size: 1/4 cup

Calories: 105

Fat: 2 g

Carbs: 20.2 g

Fiber: 0.3 g

Protein: 1.4 g

Points+: 3

Ingredients:

1 18.9 oz box of funfetti cake mix

2 cups plain fat free yogurt

1 cup lite cool whip (I used fat free)

Fat free animal crackers

Directions:

In a large bowl combine cake mix, cool whip, and yogurt. Mix until combined and there are no more lumps. Cover with plastic wrap and cool for about 4 hours until serving. Add additional sprinkles if desired. Serve with animal crackers! Enjoy!

Dealing with hyperhidrosis.

Hey guys, so today I want to talk about a personal issue I have. A super embarrassing, mortifying health condition that I have tried to cover up for years. It is called hyperhidrosis, and it is basically the condition of excessive sweating, your body is trying to cool your body temperature down by releasing sweat. You can have it anywhere on your body, but mine is only under my arms.

It started a few years ago, and just has increased over the years. It never was a huge issue until this year. Over the summer it just got insanely worse out of nowhere. To the point where even sitting in an air conditioned room, I would be dripping sweat down my arms, praying no one notices. It was completely mortifying. And because of this, it has affected how I dress.

I used to be able to wear anything, but now I would only wear tank tops, or sweatshirts, which I even sweat through those. If I wore a shirt, it would be either white, dark blue or purple, or black, so if I did sweat, it was hard to notice. But even then, I would be mortified to hug anyone in fear they felt my sweaty under arms. I can not wear grey at all. Because when grey gets wet, it just turns darker and way more noticeable! It made shopping suck and I never wanted to go. It's one thing to sweat at the gym, but when you only sweat under your arms, it is still embarrassing. Sit ups don't make you sweat profusely under your arms. It felt like no place was safe!

Then I started thinking about winter, and how I was not going to be able to wear anything after how bad it was over summer! I have cried many days over this. I have tried every woman's, man's, homeopathic, organic, prescription deodorant out there and nothing helped. I thought I was out of options and just never going to be able to wear anything cute again!

I had heard about botox in your armpits, but there was no way I could pay $1000! So I dismissed the idea a few years ago, then I looked into it this summer to see if anything new has come out. Then I discovered now it is considered a medical condition and most insurances cover it. So I went into my Dr. and asked her about it and she said to go to the Dermatologist and see if it could be covered. So I did, and they gave me all the diagnosis and procedure codes. I called my insurance and GLORY HALLELUJAH, it was covered!! I cried, I was so happy about this. I know how this has just chipped away at my self esteem and just given me anxiety and paranoia every hr every day. It truly was an answer to my prayer.

So today, I went in to have it done. Now there's only one way you put botox in, shot! I did make it out to be bigger than it was when it came to pain. They put an ice bag on one arm at a time, then had two different shots that they used. They started at the top of my armpit and went around in a circle and did small amount injections all the way around. Most of them I barely felt, or didn't hurt. It seemed the further away from the center of my armpit, towards the outside of their circle, it was the most painful. If I did feel it, it was like a pinch burn. It would just give me a sour face for .2 seconds. So the pain is completely tolerable. Then they went to the other arm, and by the time they got there, I think the ice numbness wore off a bit. So I felt every shot that time, and it was more painful. But still, it was not that bad. I honestly would rather get that then go to the dentist and get their shot! It is not even as bad as a pinch or finger poke. Each needle ended up doing about 10-15 pokes. So about 20-30 tiny pokes per arm, so 40-60 total. Sounds like a lot, but it goes super fast! Once I sat in the chair, the whole thing lasted maybe 15 minutes start to walking out of the room. So simple, easy, and fast! My Dr. even cracked quite a few jokes and told me not to sweat it! Hardy har har!

You will bleed a little bit, but not much and before you leave the room it stops. I can't work out for 48 hours and when I shower, I have to shave and pat dry very very gently. I also have to apply deodorant very gently as well for the next 48 hrs. He said it will take about two days to set in completely, so I could push it around if I push too hard. And that I may feel a little irritated and sore today. Depending on how bad the condition is, this will last 9-12 months! YES!

So I am a little sore and irritated, but man this was BEYOND worth it. I am so excited to see how it works, I don't think it will completely stop all the sweat, like working out, but it will be insurmountably smaller! I already feel so much more confident and am excited to get some cute clothes this winter!

So for anyone out there dealing with this, don't think you are the only one! I feel your pain and I understand how mortifying this is, I didn't even tell anyone besides my mom or my husband until I found out I could get the botox. I hid it for over 4 years! Just know, it is worth investigating to see if you can get the botox! Start with your regular Dr. to get a referral to a Dermatologist that works with your insurance and go from there!

I know many of you may question using botox, and it's ok I understand. It's not for wrinkles or to get a face lift. It's a medical treatment. They also use botox for chronic migraines too. I am not doing it for cosmetic reasons, it's for medical reasons. You have to do what's best for yourself, and for me this was a last resort. It literally affected every hour of my life and it's hard to understand how embarrassing it is unless you have it. It is nothing like normal sweat, think how much you sweat in a day and multiply it by about 100 and that's what we deal with. I wish I didn't have to resort to something invasive, but if it works, I am game!

I hope this post is helpful for some, and it is a relief to be able to finally talk about it! I know people don't love me because of how much I sweat, but it's still not something you just bring up in conversation!

Anyone else dealt with this? Or have you dealt with something else super embarrassing and want to talk about it? Don't be afraid!

A little real life wife chat

So I have talked about this a little bit before, but the longer I am married the more I am realizing there is such a need for this. Before you get married everyone you ask about marriage will tell you oh it's great, it's wonderful, you will love it! The only reputable piece of advice I received was don't light a candle in the bathroom after you poop, then it just smells like poop and candle, so we have branded that term the poop candle term! But that was honest, appreciative advice. And for some reason, people would rather pretend marriage is great than to admit things are hard, or they have difficulties. Because we are all so perfect! And honestly, this DOES NOT help one bit. It sets you up for complete failure actually.

You go into marriage with all these expectations and think you will dance around and laugh every time you see each other. He will be perfect and never leave the toilet seat down and will help with all the chores and never complain! I also get a bit peeved at looking at some of these perfect blogs. I get a little sick of hearing about how they had a perfect day at their perfect job and took perfect pictures after their perfect work out and came home to a perfect husband. Please gag me. It's so cute for the first 4 posts, or when you want to look up a perfect DIY project, but to read every day or to learn something, they just don't do anything.

I understand not airing your dirty laundry and saying yesterday he called me this and now we are having this fight and he is sleeping on the couch! That is not what I am saying. But as a married woman, it is nice to hear other people have some of the same struggles, and what they have done about them to improve the situation, because let's face it, things will not always get fixed or poof be gone!

They cater into this same thing of life and marriage are perfect. Then you watch movies or tv shows and they show you either marriage is perfect or if it's hard you just get a divorce. There is no in between, there is no hey this is hard, you have to work on it! It's when things get tough run. Or this is going to be so amazing! And we wonder why we have so many divorced people! Marriage is hard and people neglect to mention that before you get married. They neglect to mention that it really is the hardest thing you will ever do. And that it is a daily task. Not say I do and that's it. You have a 24/7 job once you get married and it is HARD.

This leads me into saying that for me, I need help, I need advice, and I need places to go to find it. These perfect blogs don't help, and most main stream tv or movies do not help. Why are we so afraid to admit hardships in marriage? I promise to you that I will not be that way. I am not afraid to talk about the hidden things in marriage and I hope you have an open mind when discussing it. You should want your marriage to be the best it can be, and admitting you have no faults, your marriage has no problems, and you don't need advice is complete crap! Most of us haven't been married 60 years and have it all figured out, I don't think they do either honestly.

I also don't have it all figured out! I wish I did. I think it's time I shed some of my honesty and admit some of my failures. I know I can be doing better as a wife. I know I have yet to learn how to be selfless. I have also really learned that when my heart and focus is not set on being with God on a daily basis and with everything I do, I tend to slip back into the world's ways and it affects my marriage GREATLY. You can't rely on the other person to make you happy, and willing them and wishing them to change something they do will only get intro trouble. What you really should be doing is pray to God that he can help the situation some how, whether it be changing your heart or his.

I used to be OCD with cleaning, and he was the exact opposite, it drove me insane! But after praying on it continuously God changed my heart, not my husbands. He helped me to be more accepting of mess, and realize hey if it doesn't get done today, it's OK. It has taken me some time to be ok with this, but now mess barely bothers me. I am worlds away from where I was when we first got married.

In realizing this, it has helped my mind set so much to see that if I don't focus on God to help me be a good wife, then I won't be. I may not be the best wife, but when I am treating him the way God commands me to, then that is being the best wife!

pinterest

There are so many topics though that no one decides to tell you about before you get married, and one of them is sex and intimacy. GASP. Oh no I said the s word! That's a dirty word, and no one does that, especially if you are married! Come on, another load of crap people. There are so many people who struggle with this issue in marriage. They think you get married, bam, sex life will be perfect! And that is just not the case. You will still flirt, and be all cutesy like you were when you dated. Eh WRONGO. It's like you get married and everything just stops. All that work to get them, now you have them, so the work is over. When in reality, the work has just begun. And I think most of us are not sex addicts, so having a sex life when we are super busy is hard work. You really have to think about it and make it a priority to focus on.

I found an awesome blog where she is writing this into a book and I highly suggest if you are a wife, you read this, no matter how wonderful your marriage is. She talks about a lot of subjects that are hidden and that we all would love to talk about! It is sad though to read some of the comments people leave and that some don't see sex in marriage as a gift from God, but as something dirty and awful. And talking about it in public is a sin! Why would God create something so wonderful in marriage that he allows if it was so awful? Talking about it doesn't mean you are out whoring yourself out. You are simply trying to figure out how to have a better sex life, there is no shame in that. You aren't sharing pictures or anything like that. Asking questions isn't wrong! It saddens me they have these view points, and for their husbands!

A marriage will not work without connection, intimacy, and yes without sex. It causes stress in all regions and that just leads to more and more problems. It is a very important issue and I would like to help all the wives out there who have questions! Please go read her 29 day challenge! You don't have to do it with your husband, you can learn some ideas to bank for later if you want. But if you can do it with your husband all the better! I also would highly recommend watching the movie Fireproof! I think it shows how most marriages work and what happens when you focus on God and your spouse and not yourself! They also have a book called The Love Dare. I would highly recommend that as well!

Here is her website:
http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-1-the-act-of-marriage/

What do you ladies think about all this? Are there things you wished people would have told you before marriage? Did you think it would be this hard or has it been easy? Is it hard to admit that things aren't always amazing? Why?