This is real, this is hard.

Where to begin. I guess I will start with my running for the past two days. I got all excited about my new garms and was ready to take on the world yesterday with running. I probably should have taken it easy since I haven't run in over a month but I felt the need to do a 5k for some reason. I was pretty pleased with myself, I was 4 seconds behind my PR! Hm maybe time off isn't as detrimental as I was assuming it would be. I am glad it wasn't 2 minutes or something, I would have died! I will admit though, it was rough. I was proud of myself for only walking about 3 min of it and running the rest of it. I wanted to die at mile 2 and give up but I pushed myself and kept going! It was my first night run and I didn't mind it except I kept thinking I was going to get ran over at some point so that was a little annoying. Maybe it made me run faster! Still the possibility of getting ran over is as great during the day as it is night so not sure what I was so worried about! I defiantly paid for running that much off the bat today. I was sore and tight in my legs. I still drug myself out to run though. However, my mind was not there. I had A LOT on my mind and I wish I could say running was a stress relief for me but unfortunately it isn't. If anything it gives me more alone time to think about everything I just want to get away from. So after a very slow mile because I was so sore, I was done. I had nothing left in me to give and you know I was ok with it. I walked the second mile and did 2 miles in 29 min. It was pathetic, but I know my heart wasn't there and it happens sometimes. I am proud of myself for getting out there anyways when I knew I didn't want to do it. My goal is 35 miles in 30 days. I am 5 miles down! Woo! I am hoping I surpass those 35 miles by a lot though! I just want a minimum of that! The weather is perfect for running now with this weather and I am actually happy to run outside. Running hills kills me but I am trying to get better at doing them!

I have to work over night tonight so I had the day off and decided to make crock pot meatloaf, still cooking, and see how well that turned out. Adding sour cream mashed potatoes and veggies. I also decided to make chocolate chip pumpkin muffins! This is not a pinterest recipe! A family friend makes these and they are delicious! She makes them in the mini cupcake pan and freezes them and puts 2 in a snack ziplock for her kids lunches and by lunch time it has thawed out. I personally like them out of the freezer and let them thaw about 5 min then when they are warm! Here is the recipe:

Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Muffins
1 box spice cake mix
1 small can pumpkin filling
Chocolate chips to your liking

Mix spice mix as instructed, add can of pumpkin and chocolate chips to mix. Cook as directed for cupcakes. I double lined the cupcakes because they are so heavy with the pumpkin that it kind of seeps through a little. Let them cool, freeze extras. Super easy!!

Voilla!

I don't know what this Goose was doing or how he hopped up there but I thought it was funny!

Onto some serious things and more to the title of my blog. This marriage stuff.. they really can't prepare you enough for it. You hear people tell you things and you think oh that's silly, that won't happen with us. Ya, well, maybe I should have listened a lot more. The movies make marriage look like it's this awesome, amazing thing! And don't get me wrong I do think it's special and not to be taken lightly, but if it were easy it would be called a  honeymoon ALL the time. When I said I do, I knew divorce was out of the question and to just erase that out of my mind. No what if's or maybe's or thinking that way. Which is hard to do. The first two weeks were actually pretty great. I think it was just that twilight zone and getting used to everything. It was just weird. It didn't seem real at first. I think after the end of week 2, it has hit me. This is real, this is hard. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It's not like I have done this before to know what to do or to have all the answers. I am so confused and have no idea what to do 90% of the time. Then I get frustrated on top of it and it all combines and all that ends in is tears. 

The past few days have been hard, real hard. I am a crier. That's how I release emotion, and most anyone who knows me knows that's how I have to calm down. I am better at controlling it but most of the time I just need to let it out for a few minutes and I am fine. Or else everything builds inside me and I blow up. Today was especially hard and I am dealing with a few personal issues to begin with and they impact our marriage. So it's hard to work on one without it effecting the other. I haven't found this balance yet and it's pulling me down. Today was a day where I just wanted to go home (back to my parents) and I just didn't know what to do. I want to ask for help but I don't want people to think we are doing bad or we can't handle this. If I went to my parents house my mom will know something is wrong. I don't want to tell her too much because I don't want her to worry and think it's her problem and she needs to help us fix things. It's not her responsibility to help me anymore. Plus we have so many friends that know both of us I don't want anyone to think differently of us. So I feel like I try to handle things alone a lot and it's not working so well. I am trying so very hard to lift things up to God but this is already a knew challenge in itself to me so it ends up being doubly hard now. 

I have so many emotions and feelings all the time. After two weeks you really start to see how different the other person and you really are. I feel like a lot of the times whatever I say isn't right or good enough. Or maybe I am not good enough to begin with. We spend way more time together and I think even if I am alone, I just feel alone. I think we need time with our friends to bring us back to a normal level. I hate fighting about stupid things like cleaning up or shutting doors or leaving lights on, but I hear it's a normal thing for marriage. I knew it was going to be hard but I guess I just didn't know how hard it would be. No one is here to pick up after me, or make me dinner, or know to just be quiet and listen to me and let me vent like my mom knows. Everything is so different and it is going to take some getting used to. We have to figure out how to work with each other and know how to fulfill each other's needs since the way we deal or cope are so completely opposite. Sometimes I just feel like I am not being heard, and I am sure he feels the same and has his own opinions on all this. I am just sharing my side, how I feel, and being real. At this point things are rough and I am not going to lie and say oh ya everything is amazing 100% of the time! Because then everyone knows you are full of crap. It's just how to outlet my vents without saying too much or who to tell. I guess I am half asking for advice, half just venting. I find my blog as a space for me to share my thoughts and feelings, and you can judge all you want but this is me. I am here to be real not to pretend to be the perfect wife, because no one can be. I think people identify more with you when you are being real. 

I guess that's enough for today. I pray God can change my heart or his heart to what it needs to be to work on making things better. I pray he has the right people give me the right words and wisdom I so desperately need right now. I pray he gives me the peace to know I can trust him and the calmness to handle each situation with a clear head and to stay calm. There have been a few occasions before where I have needed His help so desperately and today is one of them. I feel helpless and just don't know what I am supposed to do. I pray he helps our marriage every second of the day and helps us to grow and find the right ways to communicate with each other. 

There's probably a million things I could ask about marriage, instead I ask for some advice from you.