Real Talk

It's 2 am as I sit here staring at the computer. My heart is heavy, my mind is full. I really could not anticipate how hard this process was going to be. I could not anticipate how hard the Devil was going to attack. One thing I have learned that I think we do not realize is how patient the Devil is. We think he just attacks on a whim when he feels like it. But he does not. He has a plan of attack and he sits back and watches you, he studies you and figures out what your weakness is and just when he can catch you off guard. He waits till you think he has left you alone and then he strikes.

It angers me how patient he can be. How deceptive and torturous he can be. How he waits till you are doing so well to strike. How he knows every inner depth of me and he can get there. How he knows my dislikes and likes. How he knows my weaknesses and my strengths. How he knows the perfect buttons to push to cause the most pain. How he is so quiet, but so loud at the same time.

It angers me how weak I am and that I can still let him get to me so easily. I honestly had no idea how weak I was with this process till tonight. I thought I was going in strong and when he attacked, I would fight him head on. I was wrong guys. I was sadly mistaken. And it angers me that I let him creep up on me and should have seen it coming but I ignored it.

I had a panic attack tonight and for the first time in my life, I could recognize him attacking me. And it wasn't just in my head, it was physically. I could not breathe. I freaked. I got so scared to even sleep and panic ensued. I didn't know what to do, how to handle this and I just gave in and became weak. He saw this and just hammered on me. I was 5 minutes short of going to the ER from how panicked I was and that I couldn't breathe.

I wanted to call my parents. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to fight back. But I just didn't know how. This ensued more panic of not knowing what to do. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't control myself and it freaked me out. My anxiety has gotten so bad, to the point where I can't control my breathing, and it's keeping from sleeping well. It frustrated me that it's gotten this bad. And when I don't have control, anxiety ensues. And control comes as an effect from the abuse. It's issue upon issue upon issue. And its SO freaking frustrating you have no idea.

I am so angry I don't have control of myself, I am so angry as to why this is now an issue. I am so angry that I have such anxiety so quickly into this process and we really haven't dug into anything. As I get closer to Friday knowing this is going to really begin, my anxiety is flaring so badly. I honestly don't know if my anxiety is something I am going to be able to handle on my own. It freaks me out wondering if I am going to need something for it. (No worries, I am going to be e-mailing my therapist tomorrow to see what she thinks of all this, I can not wait till Friday.)

She said a core issue of this is dealing with the shame I have. I completely dismissed that sentence from my mind after she said it. Psht, I am not ashamed. Whatever lady. The next chapter of one of the books I am reading talks about dealing with shame. I have gotten through the part of what shame is. It scares me that I realized I really do have it. And I can't bring myself to open the book to continue reading. It scares me seeing how much thinking about this issue has caused me such anxiety and I don't think I am going to like this part at all. It scares me that this is going to be much harder than I anticipated and that this is just the beginning of what the Devil has up his sleeve. It scares me to be so scared.

At the same time in totally freaking out, I knew God was there. I am still so weak in crying out to him. I couldn't bring myself together to talk to him. I felt shameful. Then once I realized it was the Devil telling me I didn't deserve to talk to him, I let go. I walked around in circles just praying and talking to God until I finally calmed down. I have been listening to Christian music and just singing to Him. Realizing how much he loves me. And I need him to love me so desperately. And I need to stop pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. He already loves me, he has already forgiven me, and he is always there regardless of what I did so long ago. I know this, but I keep forgetting it. It's been easy to trust him till this shame thing came up. And I did not realize how deep this shame went and how huge of an issue it is. It seems bigger than God, but I know it isn't. Just feels like it.

It's so hard to let go of the thinking how can someone truly love me, want me, forgive me for what happened if I can't seem to. How can God still love me after all I had done to him? How can he not be ashamed of me? This shame issue is something I do not understand, nor know how to deal with. And clearly a core issue. But despite this one sided thinking of me, part of me know he does love me, just not all of me yet. Letting down the most precious person to you in the world in one of the most horrible ways, is so damaging.

I am writing this more so to chronicle this moment of how I feel. To  be able to look back in 5 months and see where I was less than a week into this process. To capture the raw truth and honesty of this process. To not only let myself, but to let others know how heart wrenching and scary this process is. To get a glimpse into the mind of someone dealing with this, so that maybe you might understand one day if it happens to someone you know.

This song speaks volumes of how I feel right now.

Weekend Recap

Happy Monday all! Sadly it is raining here. :( Boo. It was so nice all weekend! But it's supposed to be 60-70 and sunny the rest of the week so I guess I will take 1 day of rain for a week of sun! Hope you all had nice weather this weekend too!

So the hubs and I are trying to find things to do together where we can have interactive fun and still spend time together and not have it involve tv/computer/video games/movies. At least now it's getting warmer out and we can start doing things outside, but during winter it's a lot harder. So we have been playing board games lately. First Monopoly, which I totally dominated in, and we bought another game Thursday. It's called Pandemic.

Basically the game is about killer viruses throughout the world and you all work together as a team to try and cure then eradicate the viruses before there are too many outbreaks that end up killing everyone. I was a little weary at first, I mean my favorite board game is the game of life, so this is a tad different for me. But I liked that we all worked together, and not against each other like Monopoly where everyone just hates each other after 5 hrs. We played it once before we went to my parents house to figure out everything. Then we went over to have dinner with my parents and play the game. Which my mom totally zoned out and it all went over her head, as to be expected. We pretty much played for her. haha. But she did manage to paparazzi us!

we were deep in thought for our next move!

We ended up dying both times we played! It is not as easy as it looks people!

Friday I had my first therapy session. It was pretty much getting to know each other and going through my history and telling her about things I had gone through. She suggested two books for me to read. I could only find the first one at the store, so the second one I will have to order. But they are not fun lift you up books. They are to deal with my trauma and really dig deep and learn more about it and face it. And she told me this is going to be really hard and that I have a lot of work ahead of me so be prepared. Which I had already assumed, but I felt good when I left. We didn't get into anything deep, so that will be next week! I really like the lady, her name is Jen. And she said she isn't afraid to dig deep! She doesn't just sit back and say mhm yes. Which is exactly what I wanted! So I am excited for next week to get started! Part of me is a little nervous about what she may uncover that I have chosen to forget. Guess we shall see! Here are the books.

via google

via google

I realize a lot of you may be saying oh my gosh she is talking about actually going to therapy!? GASP! I would never! Well that's quite alright if you would never. But I am choosing to talk about what I feel like. This blog is not yours, or about you. And I feel like a lot of women don't speak up about sexual abuse and this may be an outlet for them to push them to do so. If I can say 1 thing to inspire someone to realize something, or decide to face their issue, than that's all I ask. I feel like if this wasn't the right thing for me to do, God would not be letting me do so. I feel as though my misery is my ministry and I want to help others. And on top of that it is therapeutic for me as well. Learning about what happened, why it did, and why I have come to be this way. So key things I am learning may be what I share. 

I am not going to break down the whole hour of our talk. It may just be those light bulb moments you have that I can share with other victims who would understand it. So please do not ridicule me or think I am crazy because I am sharing this journey. It takes a lot of guts to share inner depths of my souls and admit my faults and that I was abused. There is nothing easy, or simple about this. So unless you are in the same position you have no idea what it's like to choose to share this. Keeping it inside has turned me into something horrible and sharing is going to release a lot of that. I challenge you to to be more open and share the bad parts of your lives with others, it is quite freeing and people are not as judgmental as you think. If anything, a lot more people can relate and like you more because you admit you aren't perfect. We all know everyone has hard times, so stop denying and hiding it!

Ok moving on from my rants. So then Friday night we had some friends over and played Pandemic and ended up watching food network at 11:30, bad idea. So we ended up at Denny's! This always seems to happen, I never learn my lesson! We got home at about 2, because the lady was pretty much a snail. worst service I have ever had. Took an hour and a half to finish eating and get our bill. Took probably 45 minutes till we got any food at all. Don't think we will be back there anytime soon! In my defense, I said steak and shake! They shoulda listened to me, since I am right always ya know! hah kidding.

Saturday the hubs works, so I crazily decided to get up at be at the gym at 8:30. Yes I know, on a saturday? I don't know what I was thinking either. I met up with my workout buddy Jen and we took the crazy lady spin class at 9:15. This time I had my inhaler and I could actually breathe the whole time, it was SO much better! So I felt good after and decided to stay and do RPM spinning at 11:30. But that meant I had time to kill in between. So I walked for an hour on an interval incline and didn't do anything too strenuous so my legs would hurt. Then I took the second class and my legs were on fire! Woo. Felt good when I walked out knowing I did 2 hrs of spin and another hour workout. 3 hrs total, again I don't know what is wrong with me. 

So then I decided it was time to go grocery shopping. Oops. Bad idea. I was starving, so everything looked sooo good! Needless to say we have lots of snacks now! But I also opted to try these bad boys-

via google

OH MY GOSH PEOPLE. These are amazing. I was just licking the filling out, no need for the cookie! I need to have Antonio hide them because I want to eat them all! You must try!!!

Since the hubs was working I just went over and hung out with my parents where I proceeded to pass out from exhaustion. So I ended up staying over because I passed out. Felt weird to be in my old room, in my old bed. My mom LOVED it! Of course.

Sunday I went back home and did some laundry and reading while the hubs did some of his own stuff. Then since it was so nice out we went for a walk at Gallop park which was PACKED. We learned we should go to the bathroom before since the only one there was at least a half mile walk from our car! Oops! We walked about a mile and a half total then headed home. I made some dinner-turkey sausage, annie's mac n cheese, and string green beans. For dessert oreos and my mom's grape salad. We are 8 yrs old at heart. Who doesn't love good ole mac n cheese and hot dogs? At least they were turkey! Then we just relaxed and watched cupcake wars for me, and the walking dead for him! 

So all in all had a good weekend! 

Your turn

do you and your significant other do things together outside of the norm? If so what?

have you ever done any crazy long workouts?

tried these oreos yet?

What's your fav old time meal from being little?

Enjoy your monday! Spinning class #1 of the week with crazy lady tonight! I am becoming addicted, I know. Oh well.