Real Talk

It's 2 am as I sit here staring at the computer. My heart is heavy, my mind is full. I really could not anticipate how hard this process was going to be. I could not anticipate how hard the Devil was going to attack. One thing I have learned that I think we do not realize is how patient the Devil is. We think he just attacks on a whim when he feels like it. But he does not. He has a plan of attack and he sits back and watches you, he studies you and figures out what your weakness is and just when he can catch you off guard. He waits till you think he has left you alone and then he strikes.

It angers me how patient he can be. How deceptive and torturous he can be. How he waits till you are doing so well to strike. How he knows every inner depth of me and he can get there. How he knows my dislikes and likes. How he knows my weaknesses and my strengths. How he knows the perfect buttons to push to cause the most pain. How he is so quiet, but so loud at the same time.

It angers me how weak I am and that I can still let him get to me so easily. I honestly had no idea how weak I was with this process till tonight. I thought I was going in strong and when he attacked, I would fight him head on. I was wrong guys. I was sadly mistaken. And it angers me that I let him creep up on me and should have seen it coming but I ignored it.

I had a panic attack tonight and for the first time in my life, I could recognize him attacking me. And it wasn't just in my head, it was physically. I could not breathe. I freaked. I got so scared to even sleep and panic ensued. I didn't know what to do, how to handle this and I just gave in and became weak. He saw this and just hammered on me. I was 5 minutes short of going to the ER from how panicked I was and that I couldn't breathe.

I wanted to call my parents. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to fight back. But I just didn't know how. This ensued more panic of not knowing what to do. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't control myself and it freaked me out. My anxiety has gotten so bad, to the point where I can't control my breathing, and it's keeping from sleeping well. It frustrated me that it's gotten this bad. And when I don't have control, anxiety ensues. And control comes as an effect from the abuse. It's issue upon issue upon issue. And its SO freaking frustrating you have no idea.

I am so angry I don't have control of myself, I am so angry as to why this is now an issue. I am so angry that I have such anxiety so quickly into this process and we really haven't dug into anything. As I get closer to Friday knowing this is going to really begin, my anxiety is flaring so badly. I honestly don't know if my anxiety is something I am going to be able to handle on my own. It freaks me out wondering if I am going to need something for it. (No worries, I am going to be e-mailing my therapist tomorrow to see what she thinks of all this, I can not wait till Friday.)

She said a core issue of this is dealing with the shame I have. I completely dismissed that sentence from my mind after she said it. Psht, I am not ashamed. Whatever lady. The next chapter of one of the books I am reading talks about dealing with shame. I have gotten through the part of what shame is. It scares me that I realized I really do have it. And I can't bring myself to open the book to continue reading. It scares me seeing how much thinking about this issue has caused me such anxiety and I don't think I am going to like this part at all. It scares me that this is going to be much harder than I anticipated and that this is just the beginning of what the Devil has up his sleeve. It scares me to be so scared.

At the same time in totally freaking out, I knew God was there. I am still so weak in crying out to him. I couldn't bring myself together to talk to him. I felt shameful. Then once I realized it was the Devil telling me I didn't deserve to talk to him, I let go. I walked around in circles just praying and talking to God until I finally calmed down. I have been listening to Christian music and just singing to Him. Realizing how much he loves me. And I need him to love me so desperately. And I need to stop pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. He already loves me, he has already forgiven me, and he is always there regardless of what I did so long ago. I know this, but I keep forgetting it. It's been easy to trust him till this shame thing came up. And I did not realize how deep this shame went and how huge of an issue it is. It seems bigger than God, but I know it isn't. Just feels like it.

It's so hard to let go of the thinking how can someone truly love me, want me, forgive me for what happened if I can't seem to. How can God still love me after all I had done to him? How can he not be ashamed of me? This shame issue is something I do not understand, nor know how to deal with. And clearly a core issue. But despite this one sided thinking of me, part of me know he does love me, just not all of me yet. Letting down the most precious person to you in the world in one of the most horrible ways, is so damaging.

I am writing this more so to chronicle this moment of how I feel. To  be able to look back in 5 months and see where I was less than a week into this process. To capture the raw truth and honesty of this process. To not only let myself, but to let others know how heart wrenching and scary this process is. To get a glimpse into the mind of someone dealing with this, so that maybe you might understand one day if it happens to someone you know.

This song speaks volumes of how I feel right now.

Change is a comin

Before we begin, I had to let you all know how much I dominated in Monopoly. I bankrupted both Antonio and his friend. In the electronic version you play with k and m. So my net worth ended up being 119 M! It helped I ended up buying both park place and boardwalk within 10 rolls, and proceeded to add houses and hotels to them. Landing on a hotel on boardwalk was 20M. Needless to say, I enjoyed taking all their money! Who says a girl isn't a good business woman? It was also bittersweet bankrupting my husband first who is Mr. Business. Especially since he tried "guiding" me to make correct decisions. Hmm maybe I should make business decisions for us from now on! Ha just kidding, don't want that responsibility!

Now onto business. I wanted to let you all know that my life is going to be radically changing over these next few months. And NO I am not pregnant like everyone else on the planet currently. I have a lot of things that I need to work out, and work on for myself. I have been working out a lot, and I am not only looking to make a change on the outside, but a change on the inside. I have come to realize how much my past trauma (read about it here) is controlling my life. Even simple things as to why I get so upset over dishes not being done (control issues) or when things don't go a certain way (major anxiety) and the list just goes on. I am slowly realizing the every day things that it controls and I almost feel as though who I was 6 years ago is trapped inside, and I don't know how to let her out. It has really worsened since I got married, and all these issues I tried to forget about were pulled up and forced into my face so I had to deal with them.

I had no idea how much it was affecting me, or how much it would affect our marriage. I also don't think I was ready to face this and move forward until now.  I was trying to do it all alone, without God's help. And now I realize I am ready for this. I know God is holding my hand through this. I am ready to let go and take back control of my life. I am ready to change for the better. I have decided to return to therapy. I realize this may be one of the hardest times I have had to face since everything happened. I understand I am probably going to be on a rollercoaster of emotions for at least the next few months dealing with this. I am going to have good days, bad days, and heart wrenchingly painful days. Probably more bad than anything.

But I am ready, I am prepared knowing God won't let go. He will get me through this and he has taken the worst part away to carry on his shoulders, so knowing that, I know it could be SO much worse. This is the easiest it will be, and I should be thankful for that no matter how hard I feel it is. I feel as though God has something huge coming up for me and that getting through this is going to bring that about. And as much as I can't wait for that day, the devil wants me to wait. He is going to be throwing everything he has at me, and making this as hard as he can for me. But I'm ready, he does not control me anymore. There will be a war going on inside of me, but I know God and I together will be victorious.

I realize all the pain I went through, it was God's plan and I am not angry anymore. I think God has something SO so much bigger for me, and I want that so badly. And I was never ready for it until now. And if this was what I had/have to go through to get there, then I am ok with that. What he has planned for me is so much greater  than I could ever imagine, and will trump that pain 10 fold.

I am excited for the changes that are about to come. I am so beyond happy to be finally moving forward and regaining control of my life, who I was, and becoming who I was meant to be. God has made this so clear to me, that this is what I am supposed to be going through right now. I am very peaceful about this, not scared at all whereas I was before. I am excited to see what God has planned for me, how I will grow, and becoming closer to my husband. He fully supports me and told me "whatever it takes, or costs, we will make this happen." So glad I have him by my side, and I know I needed him there before I could move forward as well.

All this also entails working on our marriage. We can't have the marriage we deserve until I fix the things within myself. He is patiently waiting and putting up with me during all this and understands he may have a hard time as well. He may not know how to help, but realizes being there and letting me cry may be all I need. I owe it to him to work as hard as I can to provide him with an amazing wife. I want our marriage to be even more Christ centered and be the best it can be. I am so glad this is all happening at the very beginning rather 10 years in and ends up tearing us apart. He is amazing for wanting to stand by my side during this, knowing what it could entail. I am so thankful for him.

So I ask all of you during this next 6 months, maybe even more, to please pray for me. I am going to need all the help I can get, and knowing I have support out there is going to encourage me and be so helpful. I will try to update you on my journey, but I have no idea where it will go or how hard it will be. I have no idea how much I will be blogging every week. But I just ask you remember me, and pray or encourage me whenever possible. I am not afraid to ask for this because I don't want to do this alone. Thank you so much for understanding and being willing to help me. You guys are awesome!

I want to leave with the lyrics of this song that's really helping me at the moment with this.
The song is called Hope Now by Addison Road.

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out your name
Something inside awakes my soul
How quickly I forget
I am Yours

I am not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

You've become my hearts desire
I will sing your praises higher
Cause your love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by You 
All my life

I want to be this (via Pinterest)