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Kylee Noelle

Monday, October 17, 2011

A personal heart to heart with myself.

Just to warn everyone, this isn't going to be your typical blog post today. There will be no pictures of food or recipes, and honestly it may not even be that happy of a blog to begin with. I will get back to normal blog stuff tomorrow! But today, this is going to be different.

This is probably going to be very difficult for me, and I am going to do my best to be honest and I hope you can listen and not be judgmental. Most of you know I have been having a tough time recently and some things have resurfaced from my past that I have never really dealt with and it's time I do deal with it. I am going to talk about some things from my past that have happened because I feel like I have held them in for so long that they have done even more damage then I could have ever imagined. And I want to let it all out and if I can encourage anyone out there going through similar things or that have bottled things up for too long to let it out, then that's all I hope for. This isn't a pity party, I don't ask for your sympathy. I just want to help others in any way that I can and I feel like this will not only help me, but it may help others, so it's time I do this. So when I ask to not be judgmental, I ask that you remember this was my past, it is not my present and I have made mistakes in my life and done things I am not proud of. I am also a different person now and have asked forgiveness from the one person it matters most, and I know He has. We learn from our mistakes, sometimes the hard way, and it has made me value the things I have now and is making me want to better myself and be the best person I can be. Most people who know me have NO idea about these things, not even my parents know everything about me. I hope no one reads this and thinks anything is their fault or feels hurt, this is not my intention. This is my life path, and please do not feel upset if you feel like you should have done something or been there, it is ok. It's over now, and you can now be there for me from the present and onward!

I have discovered that I do not love myself, and if I want to love to my full potential, I need to first love myself before I can love others to the full potential they deserve. And I need to change this. This requires a lot of digging into my past and learning how to deal with things and to let go. And I feel this is part of letting go, so here we go.

I am going to travel back to High School. I grew up being a Christian and had no problems with it. I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday. Helped out with events at church and just thought I was doing my normal things since this was such a big part of our lives. I was the class pet all the time, but that was only because we moved so much and I learned if you made friends with the teacher first, then you always had a friend no matter what. Not to mention a lot of the times being friends with the teacher was highly beneficial! I went to Belleville High School and absolutely hated every second of it. I had "friends" there, but no actual real friends. My one best friend Jessica, left at the end of 9th grade and moved away. This was heartbreaking. She was the only one I had at that school and that would always be by my side and stick up for me. At this time I was one of those who let everyone walk all over me. I never stood up for myself and just took everything. I hated confrontation, which I still do, but I refused to stand up for myself because I didn't want to cause problems. If I got yelled at, I would just shut down and be quiet and take it. During 9th grade, a rumor was spread about me that was not true and people said I talked about this girl behind her back. Which I never did. Once she heard about this she decided she wanted to make my life a living hell day in and day out. Notice I didn't say at school. This would continue outside of school as well. She would get her friends to IM me on AIM and say mean things to me. If I saw her outside of school she would proceed to bully me. She never hurt me physically. But emotionally, she may as well have beat the crap out of me every day. And when Jessica left, she saw that opportunity and took it. She knew I would be more vulnerable and weak alone. No one else would stand up for me. I went to our school counselors and asked to be switched out of her classes. Nothing happened, and they had to call her in so now she was even more mad that her parents became involved. She used this as ammo against me. Saying her father was a cop and she could find out where I lived and come after me. I endured this all 9th grade and shut my mouth. I begged my counselor to make sure we didn't have classes in 10th grade. I showed up to the first day of school to find out I had 4 out of 6 classes with her. Imagine my horror. I didn't even get a break from her over the summer. The IM's still kept coming even if I changed my screen name. In every class she purposely sat behind me so she could kick my chair, throw things at me, and say things about me. I once again went to my counselor and begged her to help me. She got me out of 1 class with her. So now I had to endure 3 hrs a day with her. I cried every day on my way to school knowing I had to go through this. Everyone watched what was going on, and maybe 1 or 2 people stuck up for me here and there. The only people on my side were of course teachers. My french teacher was amazing. She was the only reason I could endure school. She was the only one I could talk to about what was going on. This girl was in my french class and she made sure this girl was behaved during that class, which was a nice relief for me.

During this time we went to a church I adored. I loved the people there. The teen group was super close and I had so many close friends at church. Then the worst happened. Our church split up. All my close friends left to go somewhere else. And at this time things were so heated between the adults, we were not allowed to speak to those who had left. Heartbreak. I felt like I lost my family. The only place I had to go to escape was now taken away from me. I had no one. Now getting up and going to school every day was beyond my nightmare. The only reason I wanted to go to school was because I had been paying for my trip to France. I was going over spring break with the french club, and thankfully this bully was not going! But after this happened, it felt like my world fell apart.

I hated going to school, I hated going to church. I felt like I had nothing left to live for. I was not in any sports, and the only other thing I did was French club once a month. I started to become very depressed. I woke up, went to school, came home and went to sleep. This was my routine during the week. On the weekend I slept most of the day, and was forced to go to church and hear more about this split. All I was ever around was negativity and anger. It did not help. I just stopped caring. My grades started dropping, and if you know me, I pride myself in good grades so this never happened. I started contemplating suicide. I even thought of how I would do it, and what I would write on  my note. My parents took me to the doctor and she said I was depressed. I had gained about 30 lbs and just had no will to live. She told them they need to make a change for me or this will get bad. So they offered to send me to a private school. I even knew this was getting bad if my parents were willing to pay to send me to another school. So I took them up on that offer and found Agape Christian Academy. It literally saved my life. The people there have no idea how thankful I am for them and I don't know what would have become of me without them. I had a renewed faith and outlook on life. I was happy again and this was home for me.

After Agape I went to Liberty University for nursing. Mind you I already had a little beef with God for the whole church split on the back of my mind. I thought this was going to be a giant Agape. Boy was I wrong. They didn't mention 90% of their secret rules to you when you visited. It was basically prison. And on top of that, the guy running the whole shibang was completely fake. He proclaimed how much of a christian he was and then after that he had a new way of asking for money every time you saw him. It disgusted me. He wanted money for the school sports teams, not to make things better for students. And now I was out of my little bubble from home. There were so many judgmental, hypocritical christian's it boggled my mind. They loved Jesus but yet were out in the bushes having sex. I had no one telling me what to think, and now I had no idea what to think or how to handle this. It shattered my beliefs. I honestly had no idea what to think anymore. Is this really what God wants? Was I so shut in to be this naive that this was really the christian life? I was beyond confused and then my nursing program got messed up and I wanted to leave. Right before I left for college, I met this guy. I will leave names out. He asked me to be his girlfriend before I left. We never even held hands. While I was gone he ended up moving to Italy. While he was gone I found out he was a drug addict, and also sold drugs. I did not know any of this until after I "fell in love" with him. So since I 'loved' him I felt like I had to stick by his side. He went to rehab and was doing great, but being such a new couple and so far apart, it was never going to last. I thought I was going to marry him and it all was just too much, so we ended things. I was homesick, confused, heartbroken, and hating college. I finished the first semester and came home. I had no idea what to think and was questioning a lot of things. I started to become angry from confusion, frustration, and heartbreak. I started to distance myself from church and God. Why would he do all of this to me? I had never been a bad kid, I did everything right. And now all of a sudden I felt punished for no reason. The rule of my house was if you lived here, you go to church. So I still went, but felt completely forced to go and did not like being there. I started to become lost.

About this time I was 18. My Papap had gotten very ill. I was becoming an emotional wreck. My anger with God was skyrocketing. Then I met a football player and I honestly don't know what attracted me to him. I think it was because he had nothing to do with my life at the time and it was something new and different. Maybe an escape somehow since I was so vulnerable and emotional. He was a bad influence but I didn't listen to that little voice inside my head to get away. I was mad and wanted to do whatever I wanted to do. So we ended up dating after about a month. I still had never even held hands with anyone before I met him or kissed anyone. Two weeks before I turned 19, I had my first kiss.

Then the unthinkable happened. I got a phone call from a mutual friend of my ex. She continued to tell me that my ex had gotten ill and went in for surgery but didn't make it through. I was in the middle of target and fell to the floor. My friend had to literally drag me out of there and took me to her house. A few of my friends came over to be there for me as I sobbed for hours. I was trying to get over him, but I felt like he was the love of my life and I couldn't handle this. I didn't go to school for a few days and stayed in bed. I felt like my world had ended. Then a few weeks later I get a message from his screen name on AIM. I thought oh it is probably one of his brothers talking to me. But it said hey it's me. And I was so confused and said I don't know which brother it was. Then it proceeded to say no it's me, your ex. I was floored. What was happening? He was dead! Am I dreaming this? He then said he had blackmailed our mutual friend into telling me he died. He saw I was dating someone new and wanted me to be completely over him so I could move on with my life and forget about him. But after 2 weeks, he couldn't handle the guilt anymore. I was horrified. WHO DOES THIS? This is NOT a joke. Who says they died and then comes back to life? I couldn't believe my eyes. After mourning him now I have to process this. I had enough and couldn't understand my life anymore. Why were these things happening? On top of this I was watching my Papap die.

I would go visit him and since I was in Medical Assisting I knew what all the vitals and stats meant. I would sit in his room and watch him deteriorate. It was one of the most painful things to experience. Then add my ex dying and then coming back to life and I really thought I was in a dream. Then a few days after my ex miraculously resurrected himself, my Papap died. I could not handle anymore. I could not understand how God would let this all happen. I had no idea how to handle my emotions or even know what to feel. I felt like a walking zombie half of the time. And this whole time this poor guy I am dating has to deal with it. I felt so bad for him and I thought it was nice he was there to comfort me.

But he decided he was going to take advantage of the situation. He knew I was weak and angry. He started encouraging me to do not so good things. And I got into a situation I wish I never would have gotten myself into. This is hard to say and probably going to be hard to for you to read, but that night he took advantage of me and even after saying no repeatedly, he raped me. I was in shock, I was scared, and had a giant football player on top of me. I didn't know what to do. I was scared if I tried to push him off, it would anger him and make things worse. So I just was quiet and waited till it was over and did everything I could to not cry. After it was over he walked me out to my car and told me to "just pretend it never happened." I couldn't even believe I was hearing this. I left and made it to the end of the street before I broke down. I called my best guy friend at the time and told him what happened, and he lived out in California. If he would have been there he might have killed that guy. I had no idea what to do. I was so ashamed. I felt so guilty. I put myself into that situation, it was my fault it happened. I didn't do enough to make it stop. I felt like I was the worst person in the world. I though this would never happen to me, but I let it. What would my friends think of me? What would my parents think of me? I couldn't tell them because they would hate me. They would think I was so awful for getting myself into that situation. They would be so disappointed and ashamed of me. Would anyone even believe me over him since we were dating? They would probably think I made it up. So I chose to just pretend it never happened like he said. I pushed it to the back of my mind and said it never happened. Now I had turned my back on God. What had I done to deserve this? Why did he keep letting bad things happen to me? I was done with all this. He was supposed to be this great person who saved me from bad things and instead I was getting nailed with bad things one after another. I wanted nothing to do with Him, and I thought he walked away from me.

For some reason I continued to date him. I do NOT know why. Maybe because if I left, it would be admitting that it happened. So if I stayed then everything was fine. So I stayed. The physically abuse did not stop. He forced me to do sexual things all the time even though I said no. I finally just gave up and would let him do whatever or I would do whatever just so he wouldn't "physically force me." I thought if I just went with it, then it wasn't abuse. But I know now that was still abuse. I went through that for 8 months. Not telling a soul or letting myself deal with the hurt and emotional damage it did to me. I was afraid if I left, what would he do to me. If he had this power over me and I left would he do something worse? Finally one day I had the courage to leave. I caught him cheating on me and felt like I had ammo to leave. But I still refused to deal with everything.

It was a year to the day everything happened, then I had a mental break down and realized I had to deal with it. I finally called my parents and told them what happened. I still only told them and a few friends. I was still ashamed. I hadn't even realized what it was doing to me. I didn't even want to hug a male. Even my dad made me feel uncomfortable. When I realized this, I knew I had a problem. So I decided I needed help. I started going to therapy for everything that had happened that past 2 yrs. After a few sessions I started to feel better and thought hey I am fixed! So I stopped going. I now realize that therapy is like antibiotics. They tell you to finish the whole bottle, not stop taking them when you feel better or it won't get rid of whatever bacteria you have. And I think this is what happened with me. I stopped taking my antibiotics instead of finishing the pills. So I learned how to deal with everything in the moment, but I never worked through everything, let it go, and moved on. Once again I stored it in the back of my mind. Then I encountered my second ex and confronted him about what he did to me. He did not feel as though he did anything to me. This put me in a tail spin. I took 3 steps forward to only take 6 back. Everything I had just learned from therapy was blown to shreds. I didn't know how to deal with this. This is where I started going down a dark path.

I always had body from middle school and on. Especially gaining weight from being depressed. I lost a lot of it my senior year. But after the rape, I lost all respect for myself and for my body. I felt like I no longer had control over it and it was abused, tattered, torn, used, and messed up. Who would EVER want to love me? Who would ever want to touch me after going through that? No one would love me. And I let myself believe that. So I didn't care about my body anymore or what happened to it. I had already endured the worst so nothing could be worse right? I felt that I was worth nothing anymore and let myself be treated that way. I let myself get used, because what's the difference. That's all I knew. I only knew how to be abused and treated poorly. I thought that was normal. I started to seek validation through men. I thought if I was pretty and skinny, and I could get a hot guy, then I must be doing something right. If they liked my body then maybe I wasn't so messed up. I worked out all the time to make sure I looked good. I thought this was how things were supposed to work. When in all reality it really wasn't how things were supposed to be. I thought letting myself be used, was getting approval that I was wanted and liked. I felt that if I got fat, no one would want me and all I hear about are all these hot girls with no fat and how much guys liked that. So I worked for that. I was disgusted with every ounce of fat on my body. Which I somehow could not get rid of. I hated my body even when others liked it. I couldn't find love so I thought I wasn't pretty enough, or skinny enough, or good enough. I felt like fat on my body were signs of weakness from my past and somehow connect me with the feeling of if I am not skinny enough no one will want me or love me. And most importantly, I'm not perfect mentally so I had to be physically. And if I'm not I can't love myself. I'm so messed up inside. The outside was the only thing I could have control of still to not be messed up. I felt like when I am not skinny enough for myself that I am not good enough and not worth anything since that's all I have left. And how do you love yourself when you are one giant ball of messed up and not good enough? So this pattern just kept repeating itself. And the more I was used the more I lost respect for myself and thought being wanted was my cure. When really it was poison. It made me feel worse about myself and make things worse. I was spiraling downwards without even realizing it. I was in a dark place and didn't know how to get out. I could handle this all on my own, I didn't need anyone's help, I thought I was fixing myself. Or at least this was the best I could do and was all I was worth.

Then I met Antonio. At the time I was not expecting him to appear in my life. But he came at the perfect time. There was something different about him. He wasn't like all the other guys and when I was hanging out with him I felt like he genuinely liked me. He wanted to be friends and get to know me. He made me feel wanted in a different way for once. I had heard every line in the book and I have heard "you are pretty, beautiful, etc." but it all went in one ear and out the other because I knew it was just a line. I never believed it. But when he said it to me, for the first time in a very long time, I really believed it. I knew it wasn't just a line. He looked me in the eyes when he said it and he didn't ask for anything in return. I knew this was something special. I never thought anyone could make me feel this way again. I felt like he gave me back a piece of me I had taken away. My innocence and natural beauty was taken from me. And I felt like he gave me that back. It was a piece I longed for. It wasn't my cure all, but it was defiantly a step in the right direction. I knew that if he could make me feel this way, that there was something about him. I couldn't let go of him and I would fight for him. Which I did. He was also in a dark place of his life. It is kind of funny because we both feel like if we never would have gotten to that dark place, we would have never met. But we also feel we somehow saved each other and pulled one another from this darkness. As most of you know we are now married. He found God, and I have renewed my relationship with Him. I realized I can't face this world alone anymore, and when I walked away from Him, so many bad things happened. I tried for a long time to face the world alone but it is impossible. I am so glad I have Antonio and wee can be on this journey together and help one another, I don't know where I would be without him.

What I want to say now is that there are more stories I could add from my past but I am going to leave it with those because I think those may be the most crucial elements to what I am dealing with right now. I have been through a lot and I clearly have some very deep emotional issues I need to work on. When we got married, they started surfacing out of nowhere and very powerfully. I never got to be "intimate" the way God intended it to be. So I don't think I really ever understood intimacy. I relate sex and the emotions attached to it to being used and not being good enough. I really have no desire for it because it makes me think about my past and I don't want to be that way anymore. So I am stuck. I have no idea how to get rid of these feelings. I think my body image is intertwined with these feelings as well, and I will not be able to fix one without the other being fixed as well. My heart has been aching so much lately over all this and I realized I really never dealt with my past issues and they are still a problem for me today. I want to be rid of this past and work on myself.

I want a better marriage and to love myself. I can't love Antonio, or anyone else to the fullest potential they deserve because I don't know how to when I can't even love myself. I understand now that I have only known one way of thinking and never been taught differently and I need to re-program my thoughts and thought process. And for this, I can not do it on my own. I am now reaching out for professional help. I want so badly to get better and know I need real help. I am also reaching out to those around me, and to God for help. I know there isn't anything people can really do to make me better since it is my own battle. But I ask if you read this, just words of encouragement, understanding, maybe a hug, and prayer, lots of prayer! Knowing you are there for more means so much to me and I am so thankful to all those who care about me. Especially enough to read this giant post! I hope to start a new journey in my life and I want to be the person God created me to be. I don't regret what has happened, it has led me here. But I want to be able to love to my fullest and learn how to forgive and to love myself. It will probably be a difficult next year for me as I move on from all these things and make big changes internally. I know God is with me and if he has forgiven me, I know I can find a way to forgive myself. Thank you in advance to those who are by my side through all this!

I wanted to share this not only to let others know about me, to help myself move on, but also to help those who may have gone through some of the things I have. Please if you have and you have not dealt with them or are keeping them bottled in, let them out! Get some help. I know being ashamed is hard and you think the world will hate you for things you have done but they won't. And it's ok to admit you can't do it on your own. It's not a bad thing to seek therapy and get help. If people really love you, they just want what's best for you. You can't hold these feelings in, they will destroy you and make things worse in the long run. If you can't tell anyone yet, talk to God about it first. Ask him for strength and courage to let it out. It's been 5 years for me and I am just now telling everyone. It has been too long. I know you want to be free and let this all go. You can't be free if you don't deal with it. So please if you need help, seek it out. If you would like to talk, let me or someone else know. I just want to encourage people to be the best they can be. It starts inside. Your heart needs to be whole and healed. I hope I can help to give you courage and strength to come forward. I am praying for all those people who are still in the dark and need to come forward.

I will end here. I have a few passages I found that are helping me at this moment. Thank you for listening.
*Matthew 5:4-Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
*Revelation 21:4- ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
*Psalms 70:20-21- "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. 21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once more." 
*Psalms 34:18- "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit."

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