Swings & Personal Bests!

Happy Thursday all! Thanks for all the supportive comments yesterday. They really help push me to be stronger! :) And I had a wonderful day yesterday so that really helped!

My mom had the day off of work so she called me up tuesday night and asked if I wanted to have a picnic in the park with her, Dyson, and Layla. I of course have no objection to this. So we grabbed some panera before heading off to the park. It got up to 75 yesterday! So beautiful. So here are a few pics of our park afternoon. And this first one was my trying to be creative before we left. Key word trying!

yay or nay?

Layla and Dyson together were too cute

Can you find the swan?

swings are always a given, or as Layla calls them-wee wee!

who doesn't love swings?

time to drive!

she was trying to give Dyson kisses

she wanted to give the pole a hug

and one last one before we left!

I wanted to go back to the park after work and try to run over 4 miles. I wanted to see if I could do it and if I would be able to, then I would run the 10k next month. If I couldn't then I was just going to x-nay the 10k. I was super exhausted from being up half the night and I was fighting to talk myself out of it. So I naturally did what anyone would do. Started doing yoga. I know, what is happening to me right? I actually am remembering this stuff! I did about 15 minutes and it actually felt good and my legs felt a little less sore from spin the previous 2 days. And it gave me some energy, so I set off to the park after work. It helped it was so beautiful out.

I got the park and it was crazy crowded which I expected. But I think having a place to go that has trails and it's 4 miles around, helps make me want to run outside. I actually liked it. Which I NEVER thought I would say I like running outside more than the mill! But now I hate the mill! Plus I am not constantly looking behind me for cars. There are no sidewalks in our neighborhood so I have to run in the street which freaks me out. But I almost got ran over a few times from bikes!

So I set off and I was doing good, had to slow my roll to get a good pace. I got to 1.64 miles and whabam my watch dies. I was so infuriated and was about to just call it quits, but I had to turn around to get back to my car and knew it was 1.64 miles to get back. Then a light bulb went off. I tried to calculate it to run back 1.36 do get the whole 3 miles. Then I would do the route a second time and try to turn around at 1.5 miles so then coming back would equal 3. Then I would have 6 miles. I have never run more then 4, so I knew if I made it back to 3 and turned around and had to force myself to be far away, I would have to finish the 6 miles even if I walked back. 

I looked at my watch time and then used the stopwatch on my ipod and added the time from my watch the end. I had no idea what pace I was going, but just tried to run what felt good to me. I was using the run walk run method and would run 3, walk 1, run 3, etc. Those little one min breaks helped get my breathing back down and give me a break to recoup and push myself forward. Funny enough the time it took for me to add up the mileage and figure that all out distracted me quite a bit. I forgot to stop running for my 1 min break. So thinking about math while running is a good distraction apparently! I got to 4.5 miles and knew this was it. Can I finish this without quitting and being forced to walk? I could feel a blister forming and was trying hard to ignore it. My legs were also starting to hurt. I got to mile 5 and about puked since I had never gone so far or ran that long. I got to 5.5 and knew I was almost there and after a walk break, I decided to push for the home stretch. When I saw my car I almost teared up because I was so proud of myself.

So my distance may not be exactly accurate but in the end I DID IT! I finished those 6 miles with a smile on my face. I needed that victory so badly! I was on top of the world until I stopped running and the pain set in and I wanted to die. My body hurt so bad. I timed in at 1:09:50. I will take it! Even though I know it probably isn't accurate either for 6 miles. Oh well. I was just ecstatic I got a personal best for distance!

I can not believe how much spinning has helped my breathing, my cardio, and my endurance. A month ago I would have never been able to run that before I started spin class. My pace was better for 6 miles than it was when I ran 4 miles a month ago! I couldn't believe it! So this just shows everyone, if you really put your mind to it, you really can excel and improve in things you aren't good at. I am not a runner, still not one. But I know if I really push myself and try, I can succeed! But I am good with 6 miles for now!

This was the casualty of running 6 miles though-

poor foot! :(

Good thing it's a rest day and I can wear flip flops! Have a good day all!

Your turn

-what was your favorite thing at the park growing up?

-ever beat a goal in the fitness world you never thought you would? how did you feel?

Real Talk

It's 2 am as I sit here staring at the computer. My heart is heavy, my mind is full. I really could not anticipate how hard this process was going to be. I could not anticipate how hard the Devil was going to attack. One thing I have learned that I think we do not realize is how patient the Devil is. We think he just attacks on a whim when he feels like it. But he does not. He has a plan of attack and he sits back and watches you, he studies you and figures out what your weakness is and just when he can catch you off guard. He waits till you think he has left you alone and then he strikes.

It angers me how patient he can be. How deceptive and torturous he can be. How he waits till you are doing so well to strike. How he knows every inner depth of me and he can get there. How he knows my dislikes and likes. How he knows my weaknesses and my strengths. How he knows the perfect buttons to push to cause the most pain. How he is so quiet, but so loud at the same time.

It angers me how weak I am and that I can still let him get to me so easily. I honestly had no idea how weak I was with this process till tonight. I thought I was going in strong and when he attacked, I would fight him head on. I was wrong guys. I was sadly mistaken. And it angers me that I let him creep up on me and should have seen it coming but I ignored it.

I had a panic attack tonight and for the first time in my life, I could recognize him attacking me. And it wasn't just in my head, it was physically. I could not breathe. I freaked. I got so scared to even sleep and panic ensued. I didn't know what to do, how to handle this and I just gave in and became weak. He saw this and just hammered on me. I was 5 minutes short of going to the ER from how panicked I was and that I couldn't breathe.

I wanted to call my parents. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to fight back. But I just didn't know how. This ensued more panic of not knowing what to do. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't control myself and it freaked me out. My anxiety has gotten so bad, to the point where I can't control my breathing, and it's keeping from sleeping well. It frustrated me that it's gotten this bad. And when I don't have control, anxiety ensues. And control comes as an effect from the abuse. It's issue upon issue upon issue. And its SO freaking frustrating you have no idea.

I am so angry I don't have control of myself, I am so angry as to why this is now an issue. I am so angry that I have such anxiety so quickly into this process and we really haven't dug into anything. As I get closer to Friday knowing this is going to really begin, my anxiety is flaring so badly. I honestly don't know if my anxiety is something I am going to be able to handle on my own. It freaks me out wondering if I am going to need something for it. (No worries, I am going to be e-mailing my therapist tomorrow to see what she thinks of all this, I can not wait till Friday.)

She said a core issue of this is dealing with the shame I have. I completely dismissed that sentence from my mind after she said it. Psht, I am not ashamed. Whatever lady. The next chapter of one of the books I am reading talks about dealing with shame. I have gotten through the part of what shame is. It scares me that I realized I really do have it. And I can't bring myself to open the book to continue reading. It scares me seeing how much thinking about this issue has caused me such anxiety and I don't think I am going to like this part at all. It scares me that this is going to be much harder than I anticipated and that this is just the beginning of what the Devil has up his sleeve. It scares me to be so scared.

At the same time in totally freaking out, I knew God was there. I am still so weak in crying out to him. I couldn't bring myself together to talk to him. I felt shameful. Then once I realized it was the Devil telling me I didn't deserve to talk to him, I let go. I walked around in circles just praying and talking to God until I finally calmed down. I have been listening to Christian music and just singing to Him. Realizing how much he loves me. And I need him to love me so desperately. And I need to stop pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. He already loves me, he has already forgiven me, and he is always there regardless of what I did so long ago. I know this, but I keep forgetting it. It's been easy to trust him till this shame thing came up. And I did not realize how deep this shame went and how huge of an issue it is. It seems bigger than God, but I know it isn't. Just feels like it.

It's so hard to let go of the thinking how can someone truly love me, want me, forgive me for what happened if I can't seem to. How can God still love me after all I had done to him? How can he not be ashamed of me? This shame issue is something I do not understand, nor know how to deal with. And clearly a core issue. But despite this one sided thinking of me, part of me know he does love me, just not all of me yet. Letting down the most precious person to you in the world in one of the most horrible ways, is so damaging.

I am writing this more so to chronicle this moment of how I feel. To  be able to look back in 5 months and see where I was less than a week into this process. To capture the raw truth and honesty of this process. To not only let myself, but to let others know how heart wrenching and scary this process is. To get a glimpse into the mind of someone dealing with this, so that maybe you might understand one day if it happens to someone you know.

This song speaks volumes of how I feel right now.

I have a confession

Ok guys, please don't laugh at me. This is highly embarrassing for me to admit! But if you know me, I am not very well endowed in the upper female region. I was hoping as I got into my 20s that maybe one day poof I would get boobs. Well poof, it didn't happen much to my dismay. It's like that growing gene went everywhere but there. Maybe after my height, butt, hair, and nails it just ran out of juice. Either way, they are not getting any bigger unless there is a baby in there, and we all know that is not happening any time soon!

So I have always been super self conscience about this area and got made fun of immensely in middle school for not getting a bra till 7th grade in gym glass. Man middle schoolers are brutal. So as I got older, I never needed a sports bra because I would be flat as a pancake with one of those on, and the padded ones weren't really around back then. I tried one once and I looked like a 12 year old. So I don't know if I got traumatized or established a phobia over sports bra's, but this led me to never buy one.

Now as I am working out a lot more and my bra's are drenched after the gym, I figured maybe it's time I step into the big girl world and buy a sports bra. So here it is ladies. I am 24, and I just bought my first sports bra ever yesterday. Mind you it's padded of course! I don't know why I was so terrified to do it. Probably because I assumed I would put it on and look like a 12 year old and everyone in the gym would laugh at me. (All in my silly head, I know.) But alas that didn't happen. And Jen was there to support me and re-establish I did not look like a 12 year old.

It still looked funny to me, but it was nice not pulling straps up and not being so sweaty. I decided to wear it all day today to get used to it, still feels weird. It feels like its squeezing my ribs, but hopefully if I stretch it out more, that will subside. I also got a memory foam seat for the spin bike since I am trying to do the class 4-5x a week. It was nice, we will have to see at the end of the week how I like it. And I found a shirt on sale for $10 that is made out of that breathable work out material. So I was dripping sweat everywhere, but my shirt showed no signs of being sweaty! LOVE IT!

I also convinced my dad to come to spin with Jen and I. I was surprised he said yes. At the end while we were stretching I asked how he liked it and his answer "I can't move." Sounds about right! haha! Before class started I had introduced my Dad to the teacher.  It was cute at the end of class, since he was the only new person there the crazy teacher (her name is Lizzie by the way) goes good job to our first timer! You made it through! Way to go Dad! And everyone goes way to go Dad! So I think that may convince him to come back! We will see!

I also picked up a new nail polish. Gotta look pretty for flip flops, and toes need to look cute for yoga! I kid! Kind of. It is Sally Hansen Diamond Strength collection. Called Pink Promise.

Sally Hansen.Diamond Strength.Pink Promise #250.$4 at Kroger.

I only have to work about 2.5 hours today! Darn, I know. Rough day! Then off to the gym of course. Bodyflow with my momma, then RPM Spin with Jen after!! That new fashion show with Jessica Simpson and Nicole Richie starts tonight. It looks interesting, think I might give it a try! We will review it tmr! Have a great Tuesday all!!

Your turn

-any embarrassing confessions to make?

-what are your thoughts on sports bras?

-any spring/summer nail polishes you love?

-have you ever taken a work out class with your parents?

Weekend Recap

Happy Monday all! Sadly it is raining here. :( Boo. It was so nice all weekend! But it's supposed to be 60-70 and sunny the rest of the week so I guess I will take 1 day of rain for a week of sun! Hope you all had nice weather this weekend too!

So the hubs and I are trying to find things to do together where we can have interactive fun and still spend time together and not have it involve tv/computer/video games/movies. At least now it's getting warmer out and we can start doing things outside, but during winter it's a lot harder. So we have been playing board games lately. First Monopoly, which I totally dominated in, and we bought another game Thursday. It's called Pandemic.

Basically the game is about killer viruses throughout the world and you all work together as a team to try and cure then eradicate the viruses before there are too many outbreaks that end up killing everyone. I was a little weary at first, I mean my favorite board game is the game of life, so this is a tad different for me. But I liked that we all worked together, and not against each other like Monopoly where everyone just hates each other after 5 hrs. We played it once before we went to my parents house to figure out everything. Then we went over to have dinner with my parents and play the game. Which my mom totally zoned out and it all went over her head, as to be expected. We pretty much played for her. haha. But she did manage to paparazzi us!

we were deep in thought for our next move!

We ended up dying both times we played! It is not as easy as it looks people!

Friday I had my first therapy session. It was pretty much getting to know each other and going through my history and telling her about things I had gone through. She suggested two books for me to read. I could only find the first one at the store, so the second one I will have to order. But they are not fun lift you up books. They are to deal with my trauma and really dig deep and learn more about it and face it. And she told me this is going to be really hard and that I have a lot of work ahead of me so be prepared. Which I had already assumed, but I felt good when I left. We didn't get into anything deep, so that will be next week! I really like the lady, her name is Jen. And she said she isn't afraid to dig deep! She doesn't just sit back and say mhm yes. Which is exactly what I wanted! So I am excited for next week to get started! Part of me is a little nervous about what she may uncover that I have chosen to forget. Guess we shall see! Here are the books.

via google

via google

I realize a lot of you may be saying oh my gosh she is talking about actually going to therapy!? GASP! I would never! Well that's quite alright if you would never. But I am choosing to talk about what I feel like. This blog is not yours, or about you. And I feel like a lot of women don't speak up about sexual abuse and this may be an outlet for them to push them to do so. If I can say 1 thing to inspire someone to realize something, or decide to face their issue, than that's all I ask. I feel like if this wasn't the right thing for me to do, God would not be letting me do so. I feel as though my misery is my ministry and I want to help others. And on top of that it is therapeutic for me as well. Learning about what happened, why it did, and why I have come to be this way. So key things I am learning may be what I share. 

I am not going to break down the whole hour of our talk. It may just be those light bulb moments you have that I can share with other victims who would understand it. So please do not ridicule me or think I am crazy because I am sharing this journey. It takes a lot of guts to share inner depths of my souls and admit my faults and that I was abused. There is nothing easy, or simple about this. So unless you are in the same position you have no idea what it's like to choose to share this. Keeping it inside has turned me into something horrible and sharing is going to release a lot of that. I challenge you to to be more open and share the bad parts of your lives with others, it is quite freeing and people are not as judgmental as you think. If anything, a lot more people can relate and like you more because you admit you aren't perfect. We all know everyone has hard times, so stop denying and hiding it!

Ok moving on from my rants. So then Friday night we had some friends over and played Pandemic and ended up watching food network at 11:30, bad idea. So we ended up at Denny's! This always seems to happen, I never learn my lesson! We got home at about 2, because the lady was pretty much a snail. worst service I have ever had. Took an hour and a half to finish eating and get our bill. Took probably 45 minutes till we got any food at all. Don't think we will be back there anytime soon! In my defense, I said steak and shake! They shoulda listened to me, since I am right always ya know! hah kidding.

Saturday the hubs works, so I crazily decided to get up at be at the gym at 8:30. Yes I know, on a saturday? I don't know what I was thinking either. I met up with my workout buddy Jen and we took the crazy lady spin class at 9:15. This time I had my inhaler and I could actually breathe the whole time, it was SO much better! So I felt good after and decided to stay and do RPM spinning at 11:30. But that meant I had time to kill in between. So I walked for an hour on an interval incline and didn't do anything too strenuous so my legs would hurt. Then I took the second class and my legs were on fire! Woo. Felt good when I walked out knowing I did 2 hrs of spin and another hour workout. 3 hrs total, again I don't know what is wrong with me. 

So then I decided it was time to go grocery shopping. Oops. Bad idea. I was starving, so everything looked sooo good! Needless to say we have lots of snacks now! But I also opted to try these bad boys-

via google

OH MY GOSH PEOPLE. These are amazing. I was just licking the filling out, no need for the cookie! I need to have Antonio hide them because I want to eat them all! You must try!!!

Since the hubs was working I just went over and hung out with my parents where I proceeded to pass out from exhaustion. So I ended up staying over because I passed out. Felt weird to be in my old room, in my old bed. My mom LOVED it! Of course.

Sunday I went back home and did some laundry and reading while the hubs did some of his own stuff. Then since it was so nice out we went for a walk at Gallop park which was PACKED. We learned we should go to the bathroom before since the only one there was at least a half mile walk from our car! Oops! We walked about a mile and a half total then headed home. I made some dinner-turkey sausage, annie's mac n cheese, and string green beans. For dessert oreos and my mom's grape salad. We are 8 yrs old at heart. Who doesn't love good ole mac n cheese and hot dogs? At least they were turkey! Then we just relaxed and watched cupcake wars for me, and the walking dead for him! 

So all in all had a good weekend! 

Your turn

do you and your significant other do things together outside of the norm? If so what?

have you ever done any crazy long workouts?

tried these oreos yet?

What's your fav old time meal from being little?

Enjoy your monday! Spinning class #1 of the week with crazy lady tonight! I am becoming addicted, I know. Oh well.

Do you remember?

So I was browsing through my Pinterest boards and decided we needed to go old school. It's time to show our age! So here we go: down memory lane and let the memories roll!

I could dump the whole packet in my mouth!

This thing was awesome! Although I am not really sure what the purpose was, I just wanted one!

OH YES! I have pictures of me in this sucker.. somewhere..

Who didn't love Gus Gus?

I so was gonna be on this show.. just never got around to it. ;)

Don't mess with my pink power ranger.

never ending bubble gum!

Enough said.

Oh 90s music how we miss you.

So innocent. So young.

Lisa Frank EVERYTHING!

Before myspace, and facebook.

Alex Mack! Loved her!

Little foot! Ah loved these movies!

When TGIF was good.

Totally had all these!

I had a million of these! One of my favorite toys!

Before Ipods

Ok I could add like 900 more things and go on forever! If you want to check out more old school memories, check out my board here.

Your turn

-any fun memories from memory lane you would like to share?

-what were some of your favorite things growing up?

Peace homie!!