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Kylee Noelle

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Holy Water

As many of you know, I have talked about past and how I was a victim of rape. It has been quite the journey going through this and I have been working extremely hard since about March of last year to face this finally and move forward and heal. It has been a lengthy and at times torturous process. And I haven't talked about it in awhile and I just kind of wanted to put an update out there about it.

I know this is never an easy subject to approach, let alone have an in depth conversation about it. It is a rigorous daily effort to face the pain and the healing process that goes with it. But it is also such a freeing process as well, especially when you do begin to heal. I know this will always be a part of me, there will always be some sort of pain associated with it, but I can now tell you and fellow victims that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is healing and joy. It seems impossible, I know I felt like it did, but with time, and God, all things are possible.

I couldn't have done this on my own. With the help of my therapist, my husband, my friends, family, and most of all God, I think I have finally begun the true healing process. I was so frustrated because I couldn't understand what was holding me back. Why was this taking so long to move forward and deal with? It just seemed like every time I thought about it, it was such heart wrenching pain. I realized that it was forgiving my assailant that was holding me back.

But HOW on earth do you forgive someone like that? How can you forgive the situation? I was under the impression that forgiveness looked like this- you had to wish the person well, and if you saw them in person you would be able to talk to them and just act like nothing ever happened. That you think nothing but good things towards them. And come on, that is just not possible in this situation. And then it brought me down because I felt like I was a horrible person, a horrible Christian because I couldn't forgive him. I felt like such a failure. And I knew this was what was holding me back from healing. But I just kept holding it in and didn't want to talk about it because I just didn't think it was possible.

It finally came up in therapy and she explained to me that my idea of forgiveness in this situation was not ideal. He doesn't deserve that type of forgiveness, but there is a way to forgive him. I did not need to wish him well, I did not need to have a friendship with him, I did not need to smile at him or talk to him, I did not need to feel obligated to think he was a nice person, because he isn't. That kind of forgiveness in this situation is not appropriate. Forgiveness in this situation looks like not wishing him ill will, or punishment upon him. Knowing that one day God will give him just that. Not letting him have the control over me. For example if I saw him, I would immediately panic and almost have a panic attack and just have to get out of the room. There will be a reaction to him, but if I have the control, this time I won't need to do that. Instead I can give him the look of we both know what you did, I dare you to come over here because I will kick your butt. Showing him he does not have that control over you anymore. It does not mean I need to wave and smile at him at all. It is releasing that control where every day is not consumed with thoughts of this and that you now control your thoughts and feelings towards this.

And let me tell you, getting back this control is AMAZING. It feels like part of my soul has been restored and that part of me that has been missing for so long has surfaced again. He never took my innocence, even though it felt like it, he did however hurt my innocence enough for it to lock itself up deep inside and never want to come out. She was always there, I just held to help release her. Once you have forgiven this person, then you actually get to start the grieving process for what happened. I had never grieved for what happened to my 19 year old self. And now that I had the control, I could allow myself too. This has been a few month process to allow myself to grieve. Some things I experienced during this time to help me grieve were working out to a song I could be angry at him and do some kickboxing and beat him up in my mind. Every time I feel vulnerable, I just listen to Kelly Clarkson-Never Again and it reminds me how he does not deserve his control on me, I am taking it back!

Another thing I did which was very hard, but I wrote a letter to myself at 19 right after it happened. I was myself now and told her what's been happening over all this time. But to not be scared and that we are ok now. And that I know it shut me down completely but it's ok to release that innocent me inside and come out. I am with someone I can trust to not hurt me. And it's ok to be happy and move on with life. And we now have control and won't let anything like that happen again. I also told her how sorry I was we had to go through this, but we know understand God has a plan for us. And from the bad, he finds joy and finds a way to use us. And that our misery is our ministry. And now I am working towards being part of the care team at church to help counsel other young woman about this and life in general. As horrible as that experience was, God is making it into something beautiful.

I also wrote him a letter and just let everything out, screamed at him and just said everything I have always wished I could. I honestly couldn't even read what I was writing by the end because I was just letting it flow out of me and screaming at the paper. It felt so good. So many things I wished I could scream at him and tell him how I thought of him. It was a release I needed in order to move through with the grieving process. After I finished writing it, I tore it up into a million pieces and threw him and his control away. Never again will I let this person control my thoughts or feelings, I am taking it back!

I finally feel that the healing process has begun. I am starting to feel alive again and feel comfortable in my own skin. Finding out who God created me to be all along not who I thought he wanted me to be. Finding out who I am as a wife, friend, and daughter of God. The real me that was behind a wall put up so long ago.

Today, a friend showed me this video. It is about one of the band members sisters being raped. It is not like songs are written about this all the time. It is such an amazing and powerful video. My hope is for all those who have been through this, that this video may help in some one. Know that someone out there understands. They care. You aren't alone. And you can cry out and let those feelings out.
Big and Rich-Holy Water

What I experienced watching this video was relief, tears of relief. I completely understand this pain so so very much and for so long this is how I felt. I just wanted it to be taken away, I just wanted to be taken away and not feel this anymore, it feels like endless pain. But today, I finally don't feel that way. Watching this made me realize I finally don't feel that vulnerable and out of control. I feel God's love and see I am in control now. I have taken back my life and it makes me so happy to see how far I have come and to not feel that excruciating pain anymore. I am healing. And this is a huge step for me. It does make me sad though to know I went through that pain, and to know so many women are stuck in that pain right now. I wish I could just hold them all and tell them how beautiful they are and they will be released from this one day.

This will always be a journey for me, and a part of me. I feel as though my wound is healing and I have a scab right now that is turning into a scar. There is still some pain but it's lessening every day as it heals. Once it turns into a scar, I will always look at it and remember the pain and what happened, but it will no longer hurt so bad. I accept what happen, and know it is a part of me, but God has shown me how beautiful this scar will be. It will not be an ugly scar to hide, but a scar to be proud of and be able to share with others.

My wish to all those experiencing this is that they one day too will be proud of this scar and see that God has  a plan for them, a beautiful one. If you are trying to deal with this on your own I encourage you to see help from friends, family, counseling, and most importantly God. He is the one true healer and with him anything is possible. There is an end to all this pain, I promise you. One day you will be proud of who you are, scars and all.

Proverbs 31:25-She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

1 comment:

Suz and Allan said...

I'm so glad to hear the healing process is underway Lyndsey. What an answer to prayer!