Holy Water

As many of you know, I have talked about past and how I was a victim of rape. It has been quite the journey going through this and I have been working extremely hard since about March of last year to face this finally and move forward and heal. It has been a lengthy and at times torturous process. And I haven't talked about it in awhile and I just kind of wanted to put an update out there about it.

I know this is never an easy subject to approach, let alone have an in depth conversation about it. It is a rigorous daily effort to face the pain and the healing process that goes with it. But it is also such a freeing process as well, especially when you do begin to heal. I know this will always be a part of me, there will always be some sort of pain associated with it, but I can now tell you and fellow victims that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is healing and joy. It seems impossible, I know I felt like it did, but with time, and God, all things are possible.

I couldn't have done this on my own. With the help of my therapist, my husband, my friends, family, and most of all God, I think I have finally begun the true healing process. I was so frustrated because I couldn't understand what was holding me back. Why was this taking so long to move forward and deal with? It just seemed like every time I thought about it, it was such heart wrenching pain. I realized that it was forgiving my assailant that was holding me back.

But HOW on earth do you forgive someone like that? How can you forgive the situation? I was under the impression that forgiveness looked like this- you had to wish the person well, and if you saw them in person you would be able to talk to them and just act like nothing ever happened. That you think nothing but good things towards them. And come on, that is just not possible in this situation. And then it brought me down because I felt like I was a horrible person, a horrible Christian because I couldn't forgive him. I felt like such a failure. And I knew this was what was holding me back from healing. But I just kept holding it in and didn't want to talk about it because I just didn't think it was possible.

It finally came up in therapy and she explained to me that my idea of forgiveness in this situation was not ideal. He doesn't deserve that type of forgiveness, but there is a way to forgive him. I did not need to wish him well, I did not need to have a friendship with him, I did not need to smile at him or talk to him, I did not need to feel obligated to think he was a nice person, because he isn't. That kind of forgiveness in this situation is not appropriate. Forgiveness in this situation looks like not wishing him ill will, or punishment upon him. Knowing that one day God will give him just that. Not letting him have the control over me. For example if I saw him, I would immediately panic and almost have a panic attack and just have to get out of the room. There will be a reaction to him, but if I have the control, this time I won't need to do that. Instead I can give him the look of we both know what you did, I dare you to come over here because I will kick your butt. Showing him he does not have that control over you anymore. It does not mean I need to wave and smile at him at all. It is releasing that control where every day is not consumed with thoughts of this and that you now control your thoughts and feelings towards this.

And let me tell you, getting back this control is AMAZING. It feels like part of my soul has been restored and that part of me that has been missing for so long has surfaced again. He never took my innocence, even though it felt like it, he did however hurt my innocence enough for it to lock itself up deep inside and never want to come out. She was always there, I just held to help release her. Once you have forgiven this person, then you actually get to start the grieving process for what happened. I had never grieved for what happened to my 19 year old self. And now that I had the control, I could allow myself too. This has been a few month process to allow myself to grieve. Some things I experienced during this time to help me grieve were working out to a song I could be angry at him and do some kickboxing and beat him up in my mind. Every time I feel vulnerable, I just listen to Kelly Clarkson-Never Again and it reminds me how he does not deserve his control on me, I am taking it back!

Another thing I did which was very hard, but I wrote a letter to myself at 19 right after it happened. I was myself now and told her what's been happening over all this time. But to not be scared and that we are ok now. And that I know it shut me down completely but it's ok to release that innocent me inside and come out. I am with someone I can trust to not hurt me. And it's ok to be happy and move on with life. And we now have control and won't let anything like that happen again. I also told her how sorry I was we had to go through this, but we know understand God has a plan for us. And from the bad, he finds joy and finds a way to use us. And that our misery is our ministry. And now I am working towards being part of the care team at church to help counsel other young woman about this and life in general. As horrible as that experience was, God is making it into something beautiful.

I also wrote him a letter and just let everything out, screamed at him and just said everything I have always wished I could. I honestly couldn't even read what I was writing by the end because I was just letting it flow out of me and screaming at the paper. It felt so good. So many things I wished I could scream at him and tell him how I thought of him. It was a release I needed in order to move through with the grieving process. After I finished writing it, I tore it up into a million pieces and threw him and his control away. Never again will I let this person control my thoughts or feelings, I am taking it back!

I finally feel that the healing process has begun. I am starting to feel alive again and feel comfortable in my own skin. Finding out who God created me to be all along not who I thought he wanted me to be. Finding out who I am as a wife, friend, and daughter of God. The real me that was behind a wall put up so long ago.

Today, a friend showed me this video. It is about one of the band members sisters being raped. It is not like songs are written about this all the time. It is such an amazing and powerful video. My hope is for all those who have been through this, that this video may help in some one. Know that someone out there understands. They care. You aren't alone. And you can cry out and let those feelings out.

Big and Rich-Holy Water

What I experienced watching this video was relief, tears of relief. I completely understand this pain so so very much and for so long this is how I felt. I just wanted it to be taken away, I just wanted to be taken away and not feel this anymore, it feels like endless pain. But today, I finally don't feel that way. Watching this made me realize I finally don't feel that vulnerable and out of control. I feel God's love and see I am in control now. I have taken back my life and it makes me so happy to see how far I have come and to not feel that excruciating pain anymore. I am healing. And this is a huge step for me. It does make me sad though to know I went through that pain, and to know so many women are stuck in that pain right now. I wish I could just hold them all and tell them how beautiful they are and they will be released from this one day.

This will always be a journey for me, and a part of me. I feel as though my wound is healing and I have a scab right now that is turning into a scar. There is still some pain but it's lessening every day as it heals. Once it turns into a scar, I will always look at it and remember the pain and what happened, but it will no longer hurt so bad. I accept what happen, and know it is a part of me, but God has shown me how beautiful this scar will be. It will not be an ugly scar to hide, but a scar to be proud of and be able to share with others.

My wish to all those experiencing this is that they one day too will be proud of this scar and see that God has  a plan for them, a beautiful one. If you are trying to deal with this on your own I encourage you to see help from friends, family, counseling, and most importantly God. He is the one true healer and with him anything is possible. There is an end to all this pain, I promise you. One day you will be proud of who you are, scars and all.

Proverbs 31:25-She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Are you a negative nancy?

I heard this quote on Bethanny Ever After last night (one of my fav shows) and it really struck a chord with me.

"The true test of character isn't how you are on your best days, it's how you are on your worst days or when things don't go right."

this really hit home with me with everything that has been going on over the past few months. You know the saying "things will get worse before they get better?" Well I believe that is quite true and I have been living and breathing that phrase recently. And with my therapy, I am learning just how to deal with things when they do go wrong, or on my bad days. And when I heard this quote I just started thinking about how I was at the beginning of therapy, and where I am now when it comes to my thinking and how I have responded to these difficult times. And I can say I have improved a lot, nowhere near what I would like to be, but I can see a difference in my thinking now and I think how we act in hard times and when things don't go our way is quite a huge test.

We can either let it get to us and wallow in our pity and sadness, or find the positive things in a negative moment. Which is what I am learning to do with myself, not just a bad moment. Like for example, trying on clothes which can be torture. Instead of getting so upset and finding everything negative I can about myself or the outfit, I am now learning to find the positive, like well the fit isn't right, but I love this color on me. This outfit does not fit my unique body shape and I just have to find something that compliments it. My body is not a bad thing or against me. But instead of letting it get to me, I am learning to think positive toward any situation.

Another example would be your plans getting canceled. I am an avid fan of hating when this happens and letting it ruin my day and sulking along with the nobody wants to hang out with me thought process. I am so notorious for that. Now I am working on the thought, well it got canceled so now I have this free time and there is a reason I am not going so I will enjoy something else and not be upset over this and find the positive in it.

Trust me this thought process is SO very difficult and I literally have to think about every step and second of my day now, but being aware of things is so helpful and being aware of my actions and my reactions. I am so much better at analyzing situations vs over reacting or assuming things. And I am getting so much better at bringing situations to God and expressing my worry, concern, or asking help in discerning things and having brought to light what I should see and take away from things.

My therapist has told me at the end of the day to reflect on my entire day and every emotion I experienced and why I felt that way without judging myself. Just bring awareness to myself of how I am thinking through out the day. She said I would be surprised at how negative my thinking was, and boy was I. I really can not believe how much I let myself be consumed by negative thoughts. And when you have such negative thoughts, you acquire a negative attitude which affects everyyyyything.

Proverbs 23:7 says "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he." I didn't realize how much of a negative world I had created for myself until this process. And it is a daily struggle to fight with those negative thoughts. Some days, I lose. But the important thing is, now I am catching myself doing this and recognizing it so I can work to make it better. I am starting to notice my negative thoughts, and when I say negative things. And it is so freeing to be able to recognize this and be able to work on changing it which will help change my every day life and attitude.

It also helps me see more beauty in God's creations. Instead of being mad it's raining, look at how beautiful the rain is and sounds. How that rain is bringing water to animals and plants to help them grow. The rainbow that may follow that rain. It's as easy as that to switch your mind set and when you do, you begin to see beauty in things a lot more easily.

I have decided to enlist some help with working on changing this negativity. So I am asking all my friends, family, fellow bloggers to help me. If you see/hear me being negative, I ask you to bring it to my attention. Sometimes I don't realize I am doing it, and I want to become more aware of when I am doing it so I can correct it. And other people notice it a lot more quickly then I would! So please be kind when bringing it up, but please help me as well!

I also heard about a book where this lady writes down something daily that she is thankful for. Not your I am thankful for today amen type deal. But really looking hard into her day and looking for the beauty in things and being specific for what she is thankful for. For example-the way the sun sparkles on the water moving in the pond. Opening your eyes up to what's around you and it will make you start looking for that beauty! So I have decided I am going to do this every day as well in my own world. It is nice to read about them, but that doesn't really challenge me to find things on my own. So I will write them down, and put some in my blog when I do blog as well!

Your turn- Now I ask you this difficult question-how negative are you? Do you even realize when you are being negative? I challenge you to push yourself in this area. Survey your day at the end of it and write down all your emotions you experienced that day and why. See where your mind leads. Does it tend to go negative or does it tend to go positive? Maybe half and half? I challenge you to be real with yourself and push yourself to change your thoughts to a more positive light. Maybe you don't think it will affect anything in your life if you do that. Then how about this, every day for the next 2-3 weeks work on this and see if things change by being more positive in EVERY aspect of your life. You don't have to report back to me, this is your deal! But if you do decide to try it and want to share your thoughts or how you are doing, I am always happy to hear from you! And if you don't share and this helps you, then I am so glad you challenged yourself! It takes a lot to look at yourself and recognize things that you may need to work on, but when you do it makes a world of difference! And this is something other people will notice and can greatly change your every day life!

I challenge you to grow and want to make yourself better and make your life more positive! Good luck!

Real Talk

It's 2 am as I sit here staring at the computer. My heart is heavy, my mind is full. I really could not anticipate how hard this process was going to be. I could not anticipate how hard the Devil was going to attack. One thing I have learned that I think we do not realize is how patient the Devil is. We think he just attacks on a whim when he feels like it. But he does not. He has a plan of attack and he sits back and watches you, he studies you and figures out what your weakness is and just when he can catch you off guard. He waits till you think he has left you alone and then he strikes.

It angers me how patient he can be. How deceptive and torturous he can be. How he waits till you are doing so well to strike. How he knows every inner depth of me and he can get there. How he knows my dislikes and likes. How he knows my weaknesses and my strengths. How he knows the perfect buttons to push to cause the most pain. How he is so quiet, but so loud at the same time.

It angers me how weak I am and that I can still let him get to me so easily. I honestly had no idea how weak I was with this process till tonight. I thought I was going in strong and when he attacked, I would fight him head on. I was wrong guys. I was sadly mistaken. And it angers me that I let him creep up on me and should have seen it coming but I ignored it.

I had a panic attack tonight and for the first time in my life, I could recognize him attacking me. And it wasn't just in my head, it was physically. I could not breathe. I freaked. I got so scared to even sleep and panic ensued. I didn't know what to do, how to handle this and I just gave in and became weak. He saw this and just hammered on me. I was 5 minutes short of going to the ER from how panicked I was and that I couldn't breathe.

I wanted to call my parents. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to fight back. But I just didn't know how. This ensued more panic of not knowing what to do. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't control myself and it freaked me out. My anxiety has gotten so bad, to the point where I can't control my breathing, and it's keeping from sleeping well. It frustrated me that it's gotten this bad. And when I don't have control, anxiety ensues. And control comes as an effect from the abuse. It's issue upon issue upon issue. And its SO freaking frustrating you have no idea.

I am so angry I don't have control of myself, I am so angry as to why this is now an issue. I am so angry that I have such anxiety so quickly into this process and we really haven't dug into anything. As I get closer to Friday knowing this is going to really begin, my anxiety is flaring so badly. I honestly don't know if my anxiety is something I am going to be able to handle on my own. It freaks me out wondering if I am going to need something for it. (No worries, I am going to be e-mailing my therapist tomorrow to see what she thinks of all this, I can not wait till Friday.)

She said a core issue of this is dealing with the shame I have. I completely dismissed that sentence from my mind after she said it. Psht, I am not ashamed. Whatever lady. The next chapter of one of the books I am reading talks about dealing with shame. I have gotten through the part of what shame is. It scares me that I realized I really do have it. And I can't bring myself to open the book to continue reading. It scares me seeing how much thinking about this issue has caused me such anxiety and I don't think I am going to like this part at all. It scares me that this is going to be much harder than I anticipated and that this is just the beginning of what the Devil has up his sleeve. It scares me to be so scared.

At the same time in totally freaking out, I knew God was there. I am still so weak in crying out to him. I couldn't bring myself together to talk to him. I felt shameful. Then once I realized it was the Devil telling me I didn't deserve to talk to him, I let go. I walked around in circles just praying and talking to God until I finally calmed down. I have been listening to Christian music and just singing to Him. Realizing how much he loves me. And I need him to love me so desperately. And I need to stop pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. He already loves me, he has already forgiven me, and he is always there regardless of what I did so long ago. I know this, but I keep forgetting it. It's been easy to trust him till this shame thing came up. And I did not realize how deep this shame went and how huge of an issue it is. It seems bigger than God, but I know it isn't. Just feels like it.

It's so hard to let go of the thinking how can someone truly love me, want me, forgive me for what happened if I can't seem to. How can God still love me after all I had done to him? How can he not be ashamed of me? This shame issue is something I do not understand, nor know how to deal with. And clearly a core issue. But despite this one sided thinking of me, part of me know he does love me, just not all of me yet. Letting down the most precious person to you in the world in one of the most horrible ways, is so damaging.

I am writing this more so to chronicle this moment of how I feel. To  be able to look back in 5 months and see where I was less than a week into this process. To capture the raw truth and honesty of this process. To not only let myself, but to let others know how heart wrenching and scary this process is. To get a glimpse into the mind of someone dealing with this, so that maybe you might understand one day if it happens to someone you know.

This song speaks volumes of how I feel right now.

Cupcake bookmarks? Yes please!

Happy Wednesday all! So today I showed up to work an hour early. Oops! I guess it's better than an hour late right? So I decided to head over to the Barnes and Noble down the street and get some books I have been wanting to grab. So this is what resulted in my Barnes & Noble quest.

Good shopping trip!

Let's go from left to right:

Red Velvet Cupcake

I felt like I have been busting my butt at the gym these past few weeks and I deserved my fav cupcake-red velvet.Is it weird that I like my cupcakes cold? I don't like when it's so soft it falls apart everywhere. Plus I like cold frosting. I'm a weirdo I know.

Sticky notes for the books

Cupcake magnetic bookmarks

Aren't these the cutest things ever???!! I love them!

This book is about gaining control over your mind and recognizing dangerous thoughts/patterns with the help of God.

This book is 365 devotionals for loving God, loving Yourself, and loving others.

This book is about learning how to live as a fully alive and feminine woman who is truly captivating. And to let Jesus be your Hero of your story and rescue you.

I also downloaded this book on my phone called Jesus Calling.

This book is about a missionary named Sarah who wrote in her journal for years, she decided to just write in her journal whatever she felt God was telling her. They are written from Jesus' point of view, not Sarah's. She turned her journal into a book of daily devotionals for a year. 

I would like to share today's devotional from this book because it really hits home with what I am going through right now and I found it perfect for me! They are very short and easy to read!

Let me help you through this day. The challenges you face are far too great for you to handle alone. You are keenly aware of your helplessness in the scheme of events you face. This awareness opens up a choice: to doggedly go it alone or to walk with Me in humble steps of dependence. Actually, this choice is continually before you, but difficulties highlight the decision-making process.

So, consider it all joy whenever you are enveloped in various trials. These are gifts from Me, reminding you to rely on Me alone. 

Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. -Psalm 63:7-8

Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. -James 1:2-3

I hope you are all having a wonderful day and stopping to enjoy God's beauty. 

Your turn

-Do you like your cupcakes cold? Or am I the only weirdo?

-Any good christian books you recommend? Or have you read any of these?

-Do you find it hard to accept trials as gifts from God? Be honest.

Change is a comin

Before we begin, I had to let you all know how much I dominated in Monopoly. I bankrupted both Antonio and his friend. In the electronic version you play with k and m. So my net worth ended up being 119 M! It helped I ended up buying both park place and boardwalk within 10 rolls, and proceeded to add houses and hotels to them. Landing on a hotel on boardwalk was 20M. Needless to say, I enjoyed taking all their money! Who says a girl isn't a good business woman? It was also bittersweet bankrupting my husband first who is Mr. Business. Especially since he tried "guiding" me to make correct decisions. Hmm maybe I should make business decisions for us from now on! Ha just kidding, don't want that responsibility!

Now onto business. I wanted to let you all know that my life is going to be radically changing over these next few months. And NO I am not pregnant like everyone else on the planet currently. I have a lot of things that I need to work out, and work on for myself. I have been working out a lot, and I am not only looking to make a change on the outside, but a change on the inside. I have come to realize how much my past trauma (read about it here) is controlling my life. Even simple things as to why I get so upset over dishes not being done (control issues) or when things don't go a certain way (major anxiety) and the list just goes on. I am slowly realizing the every day things that it controls and I almost feel as though who I was 6 years ago is trapped inside, and I don't know how to let her out. It has really worsened since I got married, and all these issues I tried to forget about were pulled up and forced into my face so I had to deal with them.

I had no idea how much it was affecting me, or how much it would affect our marriage. I also don't think I was ready to face this and move forward until now.  I was trying to do it all alone, without God's help. And now I realize I am ready for this. I know God is holding my hand through this. I am ready to let go and take back control of my life. I am ready to change for the better. I have decided to return to therapy. I realize this may be one of the hardest times I have had to face since everything happened. I understand I am probably going to be on a rollercoaster of emotions for at least the next few months dealing with this. I am going to have good days, bad days, and heart wrenchingly painful days. Probably more bad than anything.

But I am ready, I am prepared knowing God won't let go. He will get me through this and he has taken the worst part away to carry on his shoulders, so knowing that, I know it could be SO much worse. This is the easiest it will be, and I should be thankful for that no matter how hard I feel it is. I feel as though God has something huge coming up for me and that getting through this is going to bring that about. And as much as I can't wait for that day, the devil wants me to wait. He is going to be throwing everything he has at me, and making this as hard as he can for me. But I'm ready, he does not control me anymore. There will be a war going on inside of me, but I know God and I together will be victorious.

I realize all the pain I went through, it was God's plan and I am not angry anymore. I think God has something SO so much bigger for me, and I want that so badly. And I was never ready for it until now. And if this was what I had/have to go through to get there, then I am ok with that. What he has planned for me is so much greater  than I could ever imagine, and will trump that pain 10 fold.

I am excited for the changes that are about to come. I am so beyond happy to be finally moving forward and regaining control of my life, who I was, and becoming who I was meant to be. God has made this so clear to me, that this is what I am supposed to be going through right now. I am very peaceful about this, not scared at all whereas I was before. I am excited to see what God has planned for me, how I will grow, and becoming closer to my husband. He fully supports me and told me "whatever it takes, or costs, we will make this happen." So glad I have him by my side, and I know I needed him there before I could move forward as well.

All this also entails working on our marriage. We can't have the marriage we deserve until I fix the things within myself. He is patiently waiting and putting up with me during all this and understands he may have a hard time as well. He may not know how to help, but realizes being there and letting me cry may be all I need. I owe it to him to work as hard as I can to provide him with an amazing wife. I want our marriage to be even more Christ centered and be the best it can be. I am so glad this is all happening at the very beginning rather 10 years in and ends up tearing us apart. He is amazing for wanting to stand by my side during this, knowing what it could entail. I am so thankful for him.

So I ask all of you during this next 6 months, maybe even more, to please pray for me. I am going to need all the help I can get, and knowing I have support out there is going to encourage me and be so helpful. I will try to update you on my journey, but I have no idea where it will go or how hard it will be. I have no idea how much I will be blogging every week. But I just ask you remember me, and pray or encourage me whenever possible. I am not afraid to ask for this because I don't want to do this alone. Thank you so much for understanding and being willing to help me. You guys are awesome!

I want to leave with the lyrics of this song that's really helping me at the moment with this.
The song is called Hope Now by Addison Road.

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out your name
Something inside awakes my soul
How quickly I forget
I am Yours

I am not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

You've become my hearts desire
I will sing your praises higher
Cause your love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by You 
All my life

I want to be this (via Pinterest)

Sometimes you just wanna scream

Sometimes you just wanna scream.
Sometimes you just want to cry.
Sometimes you just want to punch or throw something.
Sometimes you just wanna give up and say unkle.
Sometimes you feel so completely worthless and helpless.

And when this happens, sometimes you just need to get on your knees.

Then you realize you always need to scream to God that you need help.
You always need to cry to him that you so badly need to feel His love and be overflowing.
You always need to punch the Devil and tell him you don't belong to him.
You always need to throw your life fully into God's hands and trust what's happening is happening for a reason.
You always need to know even if you give up on God, he will NEVER give up on you and will never abandon his amazing plans he has for you.
You always need to know God loves you.
GOD LOVES YOU. 
You need to realize He created you with such thought, such love, and is proud to call you His.
You need to realize He is your father, and you are related to the most amazing, magnificent, glorious, loving, caring Savior who is the only thing that really matters, period.
You need to realize he created you in His OWN image, and all those things He is, He has instilled in you.
You need to realize you matter to Him more than anything.
You need to realize He sent his son to die in a cruel torturous death so He could take away the hard part.
You need to realize He carries your burdens and has given you things easy.
You need to realize no matter if you are feeling helpless or that you don't need Him, He is still holding you in his hands.
You need to realize He wants your love.

You need to realize God loves you in every good moment, bad moment, painful moment, joyous moment, and peaceful moment.
You need to realize God loves you every single second of every single day, and has since you have been thought of.

You need to realize God loves you.

Just watch, I guarantee you won't regret it.

Do you know how much God loves you?

Gym friends, BL, & high/low!

Happy Leap Year Day all! If you have a birthday, happy birthday!! That would really suck to have a birthday on this day! I mean your birthday is one of the best days of the year in my opinion, so not being able to celebrate it every year, psht not happening!

So let's talk gym people. Now I know everyone goes to the gym for different reasons, whether it be to be alone, to release stress, to socialize, or to just get it done. Sometimes we do all of the above. But I am a very social being and my job requires me to be alone ALL day with a 1 yr old. So going home and being alone for a few more hours before my husband gets home really is just depressing to me. So besides going to the gym to get my fitness on, I really like going to socialize.

I used to work at a gym and knew EVERYONE. There were days I felt like I couldn't get a good work out in because people wouldn't leave me alone. But that was my time to be with adults and friends. So moving and switching gyms put me back into not knowing anyone at the gym, which made me really not want to go. We also were going to a different gym previously that didn't have any classes you could take. I realized last night that I think this is what led to weight gain. I didn't know people at the gym and I didn't have classes to motivate me to go. I love classes, and I love getting to know people. Now making friends is motivating me to want to work out more and have fun while I am there!

I also found a running buddy! FINALLY! Someone who runs my pace! And she lives a whole 5 min away! So besides taking classes together, we can run together, and we have plans to shop on Saturday! I am very excited about this because most of my friends are at least 25+ min away, so hanging out requires much planning these days. So it's nice to have someone close now that I can hang out with and work out with! Her name is Jen and I have a feeling she will be in future blogs! :)

These girls knew how to make working out fun! This is what I see my gym experience like. With a friend having fun!

Via Pinterest

Now for the Biggest Loser. As many of you know my former teacher, and now good friend who married us is on this season. His name is Buddy Shuh on the red team. It is awesome to have behind the scenes knowledge and hear how everything works and goes down. I am so very proud of him and I think this week has been the most drama free, and best episode of the year! People need to realize it is a TV show, the more drama you create, the more air time you get. And NBC does a great job mixing things up to make people look how they want them too. They do a great job editing, and cutting things left and right. Just stories I have heard and how false it came across on TV is crazy. So people, don't believe what you see. Remember it's a TV show and they do certain things for ratings. Don't judge these people because you don't know them. They are doing something great, and that is to get their health together and make a better life for themselves. Look at that, not how the show makes them look. But on the DL, for real Conda is not a nice person. So they have that one correct!!

And my last item up for discussion. I saw this quote from Dr. Seuss and it inspired me to do something.

Via Pinterest

I have decided on the last day of the month I am going to start doing a new thing called High/Low. I am going to do the High and the Low of my month. I am also going to do the High and Low of my month for my relationship with God. I want to be honest and real. I am like everyone else, I have good days and bad days and I slack here and there. I think good bloggers aren't all about the glitz, glam, and popularity. They are about being real and honest as well. Not being afraid of being judged. And I challenge you to push yourself to do this. The high part is easy, the low is hard. Admitting defeat, pain, or hardship is hard for anyone. But I am here to provide support and encouragement! So here we go!

February High

Getting enough money back from our taxes that will pay for our honeymoon cruise! I was really nervous we weren't going to be able to afford it!

February Low

Realizing the trauma I have had from my rape has not gone away. You can read about what happened here. It is literally controlling my life & sending me to a bad place. I have lost who I am and feel trapped inside. But in all this, I have realized things need to change, and it's time to get the help I need. This will not go away on it's own. I am seeing options for therapy and am hoping to start going in the next few weeks.

February High Spiritually

Really starting to let go and pray about things first before trying to fix them on my own.

February Low Spiritually

Giving myself excuses to put off bible study or personal time with God. Placing more importance on worldy things than God.

Your turn!

-What kind of gym person are you? Do you like making new friends at the gym?

-What are your thoughts on BL this year?

-Ready to share your high/low moments of February?

History or His Story?

When you think of the word History, you think about that class in high school where you had to memorize every King that ever lived and when they lived and where etc. Or a bunch of old people start popping up in your head like Abraham Lincoln, Caesar, Hitler, Neil Armstrong, and perhaps JFK. Or maybe you even think about events that happened, 9/11, Pearl Harbor, Korean War, or the Holocaust. Or you think about inventions that happened, the light bulb, electricity, running water, the handy dandy toilet, the automobile, and the snuggie! (haha) Or maybe you think about your first kiss in kindergarten that really never counted, the first time you had a serious injury, a family member's death or a friend, or even your high school years.

When you see the word History, lots of things can come to your mind. But the one thing we neglect to think about, is what this word dissects into. His story. Have you ever looked at History and thought about it as his story? Sure the things that have happened to this time are all in the past. But do you ever look at it as a book God is writing? We automatically think about God only in our lives. He is writing MY story. When in all actuality, your story, is another story in His BIG book. You have a reason in His story. It is always harder to see the big picture and to look outside of ourselves. But all those things that happened in the past, happened for a reason. A reason God chose to have happen. We may not understand some of those things, like wars, death, Holocaust, etc. But we are not the ones writing it.

We can not understand why he has had things happen that seem so horrible to us. But he has a bigger plan, and our small brains can not fathom his concepts. If we had control, we would write that the world be so happy and hunky dory. Peace and smiles. No jails, or bad things. But that would be impossible. The Devil is present and he would never let something like that happen.

We continually try to fight God and have control of what happens in our lives and make it our story. But we all have to realize, this is not our story, and it never was. This is God's story, and it always has been. We are just another character in it! It doesn't mean he doesn't have great things in store for you. But think about it, if we weren't in His story, we would just be wandering around earth for nothing. There would be no need for exciting things, happy things, bad things, unimaginable things, or amazing things to happen. Every story you read is not about a mundane character where nothing happens to them is it? It's full of ups and downs and the good and bad things that happen to that character. So why would you expect your life not to be that way?

Yes it's hard to face the bad times, but it's great to be in good times. You wouldn't get good times if you weren't in God's story. You wouldn't have any kind of times! You would merely be walking around pretty much a zombie. Be happy you are a character in God's story! Instead of never having anything happen to you, you get to experience so many things happen to you! And you never know what God has coming next for you! It is not always going to be what we wanted, or it could be so much more. But just remember God's story is the best that could ever be for you. Without it, your life would be and mean nothing.

So next time you are having a hard time, or even a good time, just remember this isn't your story you are writing. God has this story written, you are merely reading page by page of what happens in it. You can't make a new story, it's already done. So stop trying to change it, accept what God has written for you and don't think you are part of boring history, think that you are part of the absolute greatest story ever told! You are in the same story as Jesus, even though that was so long ago, it was only just a few chapters before you. How amazing is that?

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I choose to sing Hallelujah

My heart is so heavy right now. I couldn't sleep. I needed to write. There have been few times in my life where I have been brought to tears of over spilling thankfulness to God. Now is one of them. Now is one of those moments, I am so thankful that praising through the storm has brought me peace and enlightenment. It is moments like these, I realize how GREAT is MY God.

I'm not gonna lie, marriage has gotten easier in some aspects, and in others, I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. Things just aren't changing or he isn't hearing me. And in trying to be patient, things start to wear on you emotionally.

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Do you ever feel like God puts a challenge in your life to test you? So then you are left with a choice, do you choose God, or do you choose the Devil's way? You think, oh I will choose God and I will win! Easy! So you do so, and nothing changes. You are stuck in the same challenge, and not only are you stuck, the challenge has become harder. So now choosing God is a bit more difficult then it was before, but you do it again thinking HAH the Devil will not get me! Now I will be done with this hardship and back to smooth sailing. But God says no.  Now the challenge has become so deep and is hitting you to the core. And this cycle seems to go on to repeat until you finally can barely bear anymore. You literally don't think you can handle anymore. You are at your wits end, and you contemplate maybe the Devil's way won't be so bad after all. But you fight through and you cry out one last time.

This was me today. The past few weeks have been rough for me. Dealing with a lot of emotional and personal issues and I have felt so lonely in every aspect. And I knew this feeling too well, this feeling was my warning sign of depression. And I was choosing God every challenge along this road, and when I saw that old friend depression, I knew I was in trouble. I knew this was bad. The Devil knew I was weak, he knew I was vulnerable and he was trying to attack me in any way, shape or form. And how crazy it is to me, the more I become closer to God, the easier it is to spot the Devil's antics. And I saw him so loud and so clear. It was like he was standing in front of me writing out a bargain for me to sign. Hey pick me, the pain will stop. And in veryyyy small print it says--The pain will stop for NOW. But in the end this will just end up making a HUGE mess and making things worse. I saw through him. I knew this was not the way to go.

I knew picking God's sign could once again up the anty of challenge and pain. And up till this point I was like ya know, I have been through so much already I can handle this easy. I have been through so much worse, this is nothing. And tonight I realized, I don't know if I can handle this, I really don't know if I can take it. I was being rocked to my core. I was being pushed to my faiths limit and to my emotional and mental limits. And I literally was weak, and fell to my knees.

I cried out, and I told God I can't do this alone anymore. I don't understand why you are doing this, I don't get it. But I still want this. I don't want to walk away from the fight, and I want to do what you have commanded me to do. I know it may not get any better any time soon, but I am choosing you God. I am asking you to give me your strength to endure this battle. To be a good christian and to not let the Devil win me over. I need your patience and to remember I am special to You. Your love is what matters most, and to know you are still there for me holding my hand. And as hard as it is to push forward, I will still continue to praise You, even though my heart is torn, my mind is confused, and  my soul is hurting. Just help me God in any way I need it. Help me not to feel broken anymore. Help me to trust you and to know you will get me through this.

At the same time I was listening to music and these two songs came on in a row and it was one of those woah moments. It captured how I felt to the T.

1. Jaci Velasquez- On my knees
There are days when I feel the best of me is ready to begin. 
Then they're days when I feel I'm letting go and soaring on the wind. 
Cause I've learned in laughter or in pain how to survive. 


Chorus
I get on my knees
I get on my knees
There I am before the love that changes me
See I don't know how but there's power 
when I'm on my knees


I can be in a crowd or by myself, or almost anywhere.
When I see there's a need to talk with God, he is my Emanuel.
When I close my eyes no darkness there, only light.

2. Bethany Dillon- Hallelujah
Who can hold the stars and my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach


I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean, do anything
But it's when You hold me
That I start unfolding
And all that I can say is


Chorus
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing Hallelujah.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I choose to sing Hallelujah.


The same sun that rises over castles, welcomes the day
Spills over buildings, into the streets where orphans play
Any only You
Can see the good
In broken things.


You took my heart of stone
And made it home
Set this prisoner free...

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And literally about an hour later, things started to change. What needed to happen SO badly, finally happened. And the reason I sit here in tears of thankfulness is because I saw I beat the Devil. I feel like I made it through God's challenge and that He is so proud of me. And that his reward is giving me what I needed so badly. I waited so long for it and even though my patience dwindled, I still praised him through my storm. And the feeling I got from this, was just such relief and peace. I felt like God was sitting next to me and patted my back and said "Well done my daughter." And I am so thankful, he broke a wall that needed to be broken desperately. I am thankful that I can praise Him knowing he gives and takes away, and can still be thankful for the bad times. They bring growth.

This may be the first time in my life where I really have been pushed to this extent in my faith and still continued to be faithful. And the reward and end result is like a precious gift. I can not explain the feeling to you, and I can not explain what it feels like to feel as though God is literally hugging you. You know when you get that feeling of a weight has been lifted off your chest? It's like that. To me it's what peace feels like.

It's reassurance to know he has my back through all this. And there will be hard times in life, but to just be faithful and know he will get me through. This is the first time I have not done it myself, but let God help me, and it is so much more rewarding then doing it myself! Learning to trust in Him is so very difficult, but I am starting to see now the benefits of giving over the trust.

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Have you had any experiences with trusting God?

They will just get to heaven before we do.

This post today is not going to be the happiest of topics just to pre-warn you.

I had previously mentioned my friend with the twins in the hospital. Yesterday, sadly, she had to deliver at 22 weeks. They were able to hold both girls before they passed away. My heart breaks so much for them. I love children and I don't have any of my own yet but now starting to get in the mindset of becoming a mother, I can't even imagine how this must feel. Not only to lose one, but two at the same time. And amidst the pain it is so hard to say you are ok with this and to not be angry at God for taking them. We know they are up in heaven with God. Playing with our Savior and just waiting for their parents to one day join them. I am dedicating two videos to them today.

Watermark-Glory Baby- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Hxc_ANJptk&list=LLxskeK7IgSDo4pZzcFWHqDQ&index=1&feature=plpp_video

Celine Dion-Fly-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qVdFl64gt0

I felt moved by God to do this post about death today. It is such a touchy subject, yet so many are afraid to talk about it. But why? It's natural, it happens every single day. So many people are told to hold in their emotions and never move forward with the grieving process. When in all realness you need to cry, you need to talk about it, you need to miss them, you need to realize how much they meant to you, you need to grieve. If we just hold on to them and don't let go we end up struggling so much and become depressed, angry, bitter. It's ok to have emotions and to feel like the world has ended. But we have to also realize we need to look at the bright side of things.

God would never give us more then we could handle. He has a bigger plan then we could imagine, and yes it sucks that he takes people away from us. But look at the time you got to spend with that person. We all will die eventually so isn't it better to see all the good things that came from that person's life? They changed yours in some way, shape, or form. Think how much better off they are out of this horrible world. They get to be with God and our Savior. They will just get to heaven before we do. They may have been in immense pain before, and now they are happy and pain free again. As selfish as we want to be and keep them with us, would you rather be in pain or pain free? It is hard to see anyone go, but we will never understand why God takes them from us.

I have lost 3 grandfathers and understand that pain. I miss my papap so much still 5 years later. I regret the time I should have spent with him and realize now how important it is to spend time with family. I also had one of my teacher's in high school lose their baby girl. She lived to be about 3 months. We didn't have school the day of her funeral. I remember seeing her in that tiny tiny casket and my heart broke. Then they went to wheel her into the front for her service and I was just in shock. I had never witnessed anything like this emotion before. I had never seen so many grown men sobbing before. It was so hard to watch this precious tiny child laying there lifeless like a baby doll in front of me. It seemed so unreal. But in the same token, the things that were spoken that day at this funeral were some of the most amazing things and stories I had ever heard. Even through this hard time God has moved in so many ways in so many lives. I could feel God so strongly that day and could see him working in that room. It was a time of celebration, not mourning. People relayed how this little girl had changed their lives and it was beyond moving. And oddly enough, the parents of the baby were more calm and at peace then anyone in that room. I can't even explain what something like this feels like, but in the midst of so much sorrow, they still praised God and made happiness out of sadness. I will never forget that.

It is strange how death can have such an emotional affect on us. It brings so much into perspective. Makes you stop dead in your tracks and really analyze yourself and your life. I find that in times like these it really makes me think, how do I want people to remember me? How do I want to leave my legacy. Do I want people to remember me in a negative way, a happy way, an inspirational way, a Godly way? I hope that people can see God in me when my life here is over. I hope people know how much I love them and care for them. I hope people have been touched or inspired in some way by me. I hope I make a difference in this world. I hope I bring God to someone unsaved. I hope my family remembers all the good times, laughter, and cries of happiness, not the bad things I have done. I hope friends can be filled with happy memories of me and laugh when they think of me. I want to leave behind a good legacy and this has also contributed to reasons as to why I have changed my life for the better. I want to feel as though I lived for a purpose here on Earth and that I have so much to look forward to in Heaven. That this world is not my home, and there is something beyond our wildest dreams and imagination waiting for us. I can not wait to run into my father's arms and finally feel his physical presence. I can't wait to talk to Jesus and ask him questions about his life! I can't wait to see my Papap and baby Bella!

So I ask you, how do you want to leave your legacy? Look back on your life, is it how you thought things would be? Are you who you want to be? If you aren't then why? What's stopping you? What change is needed in your life? If you died tomorrow, is the legacy you have something you are proud of? How would people remember you? We don't know when our time here on Earth will be over, and yes this may be deep, yes this may be emotional and scary, but I just want people to realize just how they are living. Sometimes it takes a good reality check or something big to snap you out of things. I am not afraid to push, to challenge, and to make you think. It will help you grow, it will make you stronger, and hopefully a better person out of it. Really look at your life and admit to yourself the truth. Is this really the best life you could have? When people look at you do they see God? Or do they see negative, partying, drugs, alcohol, anger, bitterness, or someone who is lost? It's up to you to decide that and decide your legacy.

"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." Psalms 119:50
''Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

In parting I just have some videos I felt like sharing that are songs. You don't have to listen but I felt like putting them on here. If you do listen to one, I hope one of them moves you. All of these have gotten me through a point in my life.

Lead me to the cross-Hillsongs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdq9Q8wJdjc&feature=related
Our God is greater-Chris Tomlin- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlA5IDnpGhc&feature=related
I lift my hands- Chris Tomlin-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbNK50T35wY&feature=related
I surrender- Kim Walker- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSgn-nmBpNY&list=LLxskeK7IgSDo4pZzcFWHqDQ&index=4&feature=plpp_video
Your love never fails- Jesus Culture- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_2qG22SPwU&list=LLxskeK7IgSDo4pZzcFWHqDQ&index=5&feature=plpp_video
Praise you in this storm-Casting Crowns-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ&feature=related
To know you- Casting Crowns- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzwd6JTaXPQ&feature=related
There will be a day- Jeremy Camp- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8gkDiTvloc&feature=related
Cry out to Jesus-Third Day- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLSKSlJ0-2s&feature=related
Who am I- Casting Crowns- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oEMoJJj3L8&feature=related
How He loves us- David Crowder Band-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLSKSlJ0-2s&feature=related

Return of the blog

Warning-long blog.. since I am good at those! ;)

Well I know it has been a little over a month since I last blog, and I finally feel ready to come back to blogging. After my last post, I realized there was a lot more going on inside me then I really even knew. I was using this blog as a means to just vent or post funny things, recipes, etc. When I realized just how much writing can open the soul to so much more, things started to pour out at an unimaginable rate. Besides dealing with my new marriage I had all these unresolved issues flowing out of me and I was completely overwhelmed. Every second of my day was consumed with a different thought and I honestly didn't even know where to begin with myself. Writing my previous blog really helped me to realize where I needed to begin. I needed to look at myself and see what it was I needed to work on. If your inside is not healed and healthy, nothing else can follow.

Problem was I had NO idea how to go about this. I wanted to start seeing a therapist and I realized I did work on the issue of being raped back when it happened. It was all the after effects that came with it I had not yet worked on. I had a weird thought process when it comes to all of this and I don't know how to explain it so I am not going to try to because it has worked for me and that's all that counts. I have an amazing support system and after some friends of mine read my blog, they wanted to meet up with me and talk with me and pray for me. I thought this was so nice since I had never had this before. In talking with these girls they opened my eyes to a lot of things. They really made me focus on going to God first with my problems and seeing where that took me before going to a therapist. They weren't telling me not to, they just wanted me to see if going to God would make a difference or not.

I also realized at that moment, I did not have a personal relationship with God that I thought I did. I was raised that you go to church every Sunday and Wednesday. Going to church=relationship with God. I was never taught that you need to hear from God personally, or have a one on one relationship. It was just more of a one entity, you go to church you automatically get God. No wonder it was so easy for me to walk away from Him in hard times. He was just this imaginary person to me, almost non existent for that matter. I had no idea what it was like to crave Him, to want to please Him, to feel His overwhelming love, to know unconditional love. So walking away didn't seem like such a big deal. Who was I upsetting? Just my parents, and they would get over it. So how could I ever miss something I never had? Well it's like searching for a spouse, you feel like something is missing from your life even though you haven't found it. I was missing a piece of my soul I didn't even know I had.

Once I made the realization church did NOT=relationship with God, my wheels starting spinning. My friends talked about the moments they had when they began their relationship with God, and I confirmed to myself that I had never had that. I started to think maybe this was that missing piece I have always been looking for. Then I started to think, ok well I don't have a relationship with Him, now how the heck do I get one? I mean do you just sit there and go oh hey God what's up? It is not quite that simple. I think God knows the right moment that you will be most apt to hearing Him and receiving that relationship. My friends also gave me a bunch of helpful tips in helping with my thinking about body image and self. You don't realize how much tv, internet, and friends influence you.

They challenged me to cut out 1 or 2 shows I watch that are full of drama and see if it makes a difference in my thinking. For example, Real Housewives of anywhere. I thought oh no this is so silly! That doesn't influence me! So I tried to cut it out.. it was difficult. I couldn't believe how much my mind was addicted to watching that drama. I just told myself well it's not happening to me so it's ok to watch it, it's not hurting me! When in all actuality it really was. With this new perspective I began to watch the show and start pointing out how it was effecting me. Seeing all the money, expensive homes, expensive trips, fake hair, fake bodies, fake makeup, fake everything, I realized I was envious of all those things. None of those things seemed to truly make these people happy so why did I want it? All it did was tell me I wasn't good enough according to social standards. And even the standards on this show which were ridiculous weren't even enough. So how could I ever live up to that? They live to have drama, not to be with family and be thankful for what they have. It was amazing the revelation I had after 1 show. I was in shock and understood what the girls meant now. And I decided any shows that I feel negatively influence me in some way shape or form, I was dropping. This is for myself personally, and I realize some shows affect me differently so I am not saying shows anyone else watches is bad or anything, it is how it effects YOU. And that show effects me greatly.

I also realized as harmless as America's Next Top Model seems, it really had a negative impact on me. I would watch it thinking I am not skinny enough, and I wish I was pretty enough to be a model, that will never happen! I wanted to look how the girls looked during photo shoots at all times and it ended up making me feel down on myself. So I also have cut that out. Now when I turn on a show, I ask myself how it will affect me. If it isn't going to affect me negatively and I feel it isn't a bad influence then I will watch it. For example, The Biggest Loser. I know there is drama but that doesn't affect me since it's not about who has better shoes or hair extensions. It motivates me to want to lose weight and be healthy, and I understand I am not 400 lbs so I will not lose 20+ lbs in one week!

And sadly, the Kardashian crazyness has also been deleted out of my life. Especially after all this wedding crap! It has been 3 weeks, and the first two I found quite difficult to not watch the shows. I wanted to sooo bad!! But I told my husband and had to break the news to my mom (we always watched housewives together) that I was no longer going to be able to watch those shows. And my mom didn't like it much at first but she supports me and understands why I was choosing to do so. That way they could help me say no and hold me accountable. It was hard to flip through channels and see that it was on, or repeats that I have missed were on. I cut out a few other programs as well. Sadly most of my Bravo shows I loved are now gone. Top Chef and Bethany Ever After and a few others may be all I can watch now!

I was proud of my self control and it has been 3 weeks since I cut out shows and that craving to watch them has started to subside. As they say, it takes 3 weeks to break a habit! I sit here now and think about how much crap I was watching and how much of an influence it was and am blown away by the results of cutting the shows. I no longer care if Kim K is doing well or if she is already engaged again or blah blah. I realize how calm my life and thoughts are without being revved up by constant drama on tv. I no longer feel the need to look in the mirror 900x a day. Might be down to 600x now! Hey I am working on it! Takes time!! I no longer feel the need to constantly have to look perfect or always have make up on even if I just go to the grocery store. I haven't had a haircut in 2.5 months and I am not going as crazy as I normally would be by now.

I know I have gained weight and although I am frustrated about it, I am not hating myself and thinking I am a cow every single day. I am learning to accept that I am still pretty even if I have gained some weight, and I need to be happy with myself heavier before I can be happy smaller. If I don't I will always think I need to be smaller to be pretty. Thinking back when I was smaller and how much I criticized myself that it wasn't good enough, makes me sad. I realize I should have been happy then and I actually was in great shape! This is a slow process but I see that things are changing with my mindset and it makes me happy. I am still the same size, just a little curvier. I also don't laugh when my husband tells me I am beautiful. I would only believe him about 1 out of every 4 or 5 times when he said it. Now I am realizing he sees the inner beauty and my outer beauty, he isn't just talking about how my hair looks. And when I do my hair or wear something he likes, he compliments that and doesn't say you are only beautiful because your hair is curled today. I am hearing him differently. Before all I would hear was you look pretty today=oh I am only pretty when my hair is curled. Now I see he is just pointing out that he always thinks I am beautiful no matter what, but he noticed I did something different and he likes the occasional change in hair or wardrobe, but that's not what makes me beautiful. Even House Hunters can be negative at times. Especially the million dollar shows. You start wanting that instead of being happy with what you have now. It is odd how shows you think are pointless, may have some way of influencing you. You really have to analyze everything you watch.

I have also noticed I don't look at other women as much as I used to.  I used to constantly stare at others and compare myself. Now I think I notice about 10-15% less. Or I notice and say she is pretty. Not I wish I looked like that. I am starting to try to see the inner and outer beauty of people. Because let's face it, there are a lot of pretty people out there, but that doesn't mean they are beautiful on the inside! This is all from taking out tv shows that are all about looks and status and drama! Look at the shows you watch and really examine the effect they have on you. Is it affecting you negatively? Even a small amount? Try cutting it out for a few weeks and see what happens. You may be blown away with the differences!

They also challenged me to think about what I see on the internet and the friends I surround myself with. I really didn't think this would do much but it has also made a difference. I un-liked any celebrity I felt could be a negative influence. (ex. Kardashian's, Housewives people, etc.) I un-liked any pages that I felt could be a negative influence. (ex. Housewives, model shows, people.com, etc.) I also decided to go through my friends page and delete people who I never talk to, people who are constantly drinking or partying, people from my past that do not need to be in my life anymore (old bar buddies, guys I have liked or dated once or twice, ex's friends & family, guys that could cause me to lust), and people who are constantly negative. You know those people who post a woe me status every single time. You read those and they bring you down whether you think so or not. I just decided to cut all the crap out of my facebook. And I have found I am not constantly on facebook looking at everyone's drama or see the latest breakup or who is doing what. I have started to really not care as much. I need to focus more on what's going on in my life, not in others. I have also tried not to post negative posts. Those only do more harm then good. And now I realize how much other people's post influence me, so mine can also influence others and I don't want to be a negative influence to them either.  And not being consumed by so many tv shows or being online also frees up more time to do other things! Like my new addiction Pinterest! Which I am trying not to post things that are negative to myself!

I know these things may seem silly to some of you. They did to me at first and I didn't really think any change would occur out of cutting some things out, but it's been only 3 weeks and I see tons of changes already! I know it will take a lot of time to change my thinking process and the image I have of myself. But I feel as though I am very much on my way to having a healthy mindset again! So I challenge you, what "crap" do you need to cut out? Try it for 3 weeks and see if it makes a difference! Ok back to my month away.

So after this evening with my friends and receiving TONS of great advice and helpful information, I felt good about being able to make some much needed changes and was excited to see what would happen when I did. I was leaving 2 days later to go on a Fall Retreat for the teens I volunteer with at my church. I was super excited to spend the weekend with my girls I lead and other students and leaders. They say it is like 6 months of small groups in one weekend with how close you become. Only problem was, the only way I could was to be on food crew. Which wasn't exactly what I wanted but I figured if God really wanted me to go, he would find a way for me to, and he did. So I decided I would suck it up and maybe learn something from food crew. I was going to be with the teens and to grow closer to them, this wasn't about me. I could have chosen to stay in the food crew cabin and actually get some sleep, but then I would spend almost no time with the girls. So I decided to stay in the girls cabin knowing I would only get 3-4 hours of sleep. (It was totally worth it.) I had a super crazy schedule with being in the kitchen by 6 or 6:30 and when I did get a break between meals I was at the sessions with everyone. Needless to say I was quite exhausted when I came home!

During the whole time I was on food crew I just kept saying I love the teens, I love the teens, I love the teens! I was there to serve. They brought in a speaker name EJ Swanson. This guy was amazing. He was straight to the point in your face real. And that's what these teens needed. And little did I know it's what I needed. I did not go into the weekend expecting to receive anything out of this process except to become closer to the people there. You know how they say once you stop focusing on yourself, God focuses on you. Well that is exactly what happened with me. I was so en-wrapped with serving and not worrying about myself that this retreat was exactly what I needed. I feel like since my focus was finally off of myself God could work on me full force since I wasn't expecting it. The first evening was quite intense and it got my wheels turning and started to open my heart. And now that  I had the thought of having a personal relationship with God in my mind, I was really thinking about how to let Him in.

The next morning, the second session was also quite intense. They had us do interactive things and journal some personal answers. The whole weekend series was based on God is greater than... and every session was something different. Like God is greater than our circumstance, than we know, our sin, etc. After journaling I started realizing how much went wrong in my life when I walked away from God. I was blown away and could see that I could not handle life alone anymore, no matter how hard I tried. I was starting to admit I needed Him. Something it took me years to understand. My wheels were really going now. The next session they showed this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uI7Cl42UDWQ&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PL24F3F67B3F18A22F This hit me like a train ran through me. It was like everything I was feeling was perfectly said. So many things happened after I watched that. It all happened so fast. I realized I was loving him from afar with not having a personal relationship. I realized I truly could not live without Him anymore. I needed Him. And I really had to get deep with myself if I wanted to have a relationship. I asked myself why? Why don't I have a relationship with Him? And my answer: I'm scared. Scared of what? I was scared of losing myself. I was scared of what He would do with me if I gave Him all of me. Was I ready for that? I was scared of giving up the past 24 years of what I had been. I was scared it wouldn't make any difference if I did have a personal relationship. I was scared I didn't deserve it. Then I started to realize that after everything I had gone through, God was still there. He never left me. He was standing there with open arms to me saying I want a relationship with you. I WILL love you unconditionally no matter what. After everything I did. After walking away from Him and hurting him so much, he forgave me. And he was crying out to love me. No one else in this world would do that. Not after all I had done. And the realization of his overwhelming love shook me to the core.

Why on earth was I scared of this? How could I be scared of someone loving me? I realized he would never reject me. He wasn't like every other person around me. He wouldn't walk away or delete me off his list. I understood what unconditional love was for the first time in my life. And I realized He could heal me. He was greater than my past and could wipe my slate clean. He could make me a completely brand new person. I now knew this is what I wanted. I wanted a relationship with Him and now I wasn't scared. I wanted to let Him in to heal the deepest depths of my heart. I wanted that unconditional love, and I wanted Him to know my life is for Him. I told Him I am ready, I open my heart to you, fill my soul, let it overflow. And this may sound cheesy, but in that moment it was like this overwhelming tingling sensation filled my body from head to toe. It was the single most powerful thing I have ever felt in my entire life. I was nearly sobbing at this point, and it was all I could do to not fall on my knees. I was so overcome and felt like a giant weight had been lifted off of me. I felt pure joy.

I now realized I was a brand new person. I was no longer that old person and all those things that happened to me, they are gone. And I don't need to associate myself with the things that happened to me in the past. They were not who I was. They were things that happened that brought me to this place in my life. I didn't have to let it define me anymore. I now could be who I always wanted. And that was the most peaceful thing I have known. I no longer feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel like a piece of me I never knew I had was found and that was the missing piece I have been searching for my whole life. I was so giddy and happy and couldn't stop smiling. Even though I was exhausted, I didn't care. And I couldn't quite put my finger on it till I got back home. But I had realized that I felt this way before. When was it? When I fell in love with Antonio, I felt this way. So it occurred to me, I fell in love with God that weekend. That weekend changed my life when I so desperately needed it. And I know God led me there so he could show me how great he is.

And on top of all that, students were coming to me to ask for advice and looking up to me as a leader. I could have flown to the moon. I knew this is where I was meant to be. I knew this is what I was meant to do. Watching how God moved in that weekend with almost 175 students was the most powerful thing I have ever witnessed. To see the difference from the first night to the last day brought tears to my eyes. The first night maybe 25% of the students raised their hands during worship. The last session before we left, at least 95% of the hands were raised. It was breath taking. I watched so many students break in front of my eyes and saw God heal them. I can't even begin to share the amazing power that was felt over that weekend. It was one I will never forget. Truly life changing for so many besides myself.

So after that weekend I had A LOT of things to process. I had a lot of new things flowing through me and I needed some time to sort through them and to implement these new changes. So the blog was the least of my worries, and I knew when I came back I really wanted to share the things God has been doing in my life. But I still felt that wasn't complete yet. So I wanted to continue growing and come back when it felt right.

We had a guest speaker a few weeks ago and he was from the Biggest Loser season 2. He is now a motivational speaker about his weight loss and how God helped him through it all. It was fun to watch him, and he said something that literally smacked me in the face. He said my misery is now my ministry. It was literally like a lightbulb went off in my head. That was it. That was me. My misery is now my ministry too. I felt like all the pieces to my life fell together. Anything I was still questioning or wondering why it happened to me now made sense. All I went through has brought me to this point in my life. To this point of working with these teens. I now had a purpose. And I had NEVER felt like I had a purpose before. I realized this is why He made me. I went through all those things, so I could disciple to teens and others about my past, about my misery, about my story, and be able to help others not go down the path I did. I feel like my life has meaning to it now, and any anger I had toward the past was now gone. I would never be here if it weren't for that. And if my story can help 1 person, then my purpose has been fulfilled. I understand my past, and I know God has so many good things in store for me now. I am a new person and I am healed of all those things in my past. I have been put in the right place that I am supposed to be at.

So I took some time to process that as well. So needless to say the past month has been a whirlwind of emotions, life change, and intense healing. I know this will be an ongoing process and something I will be working on daily. But my life has dramatically changed. Lyndsey Perez is now the woman and person I have always wanted to be and will continue to strive to be the best wife, daughter, leader, & friend I can be. Every day is a new day and I am learning so much. It almost feels like I have a new set of eyes and a new heart. It is awesome. I am living proof of what God can do in someone's life who has been hurt so much and been completely broken. He is greater than anything I could have ever imagined. He is the true love of my life, and of all time.

My question for you-
Do you have a personal relationship with God? If you don't why not?