Change is a comin

Before we begin, I had to let you all know how much I dominated in Monopoly. I bankrupted both Antonio and his friend. In the electronic version you play with k and m. So my net worth ended up being 119 M! It helped I ended up buying both park place and boardwalk within 10 rolls, and proceeded to add houses and hotels to them. Landing on a hotel on boardwalk was 20M. Needless to say, I enjoyed taking all their money! Who says a girl isn't a good business woman? It was also bittersweet bankrupting my husband first who is Mr. Business. Especially since he tried "guiding" me to make correct decisions. Hmm maybe I should make business decisions for us from now on! Ha just kidding, don't want that responsibility!

Now onto business. I wanted to let you all know that my life is going to be radically changing over these next few months. And NO I am not pregnant like everyone else on the planet currently. I have a lot of things that I need to work out, and work on for myself. I have been working out a lot, and I am not only looking to make a change on the outside, but a change on the inside. I have come to realize how much my past trauma (read about it here) is controlling my life. Even simple things as to why I get so upset over dishes not being done (control issues) or when things don't go a certain way (major anxiety) and the list just goes on. I am slowly realizing the every day things that it controls and I almost feel as though who I was 6 years ago is trapped inside, and I don't know how to let her out. It has really worsened since I got married, and all these issues I tried to forget about were pulled up and forced into my face so I had to deal with them.

I had no idea how much it was affecting me, or how much it would affect our marriage. I also don't think I was ready to face this and move forward until now.  I was trying to do it all alone, without God's help. And now I realize I am ready for this. I know God is holding my hand through this. I am ready to let go and take back control of my life. I am ready to change for the better. I have decided to return to therapy. I realize this may be one of the hardest times I have had to face since everything happened. I understand I am probably going to be on a rollercoaster of emotions for at least the next few months dealing with this. I am going to have good days, bad days, and heart wrenchingly painful days. Probably more bad than anything.

But I am ready, I am prepared knowing God won't let go. He will get me through this and he has taken the worst part away to carry on his shoulders, so knowing that, I know it could be SO much worse. This is the easiest it will be, and I should be thankful for that no matter how hard I feel it is. I feel as though God has something huge coming up for me and that getting through this is going to bring that about. And as much as I can't wait for that day, the devil wants me to wait. He is going to be throwing everything he has at me, and making this as hard as he can for me. But I'm ready, he does not control me anymore. There will be a war going on inside of me, but I know God and I together will be victorious.

I realize all the pain I went through, it was God's plan and I am not angry anymore. I think God has something SO so much bigger for me, and I want that so badly. And I was never ready for it until now. And if this was what I had/have to go through to get there, then I am ok with that. What he has planned for me is so much greater  than I could ever imagine, and will trump that pain 10 fold.

I am excited for the changes that are about to come. I am so beyond happy to be finally moving forward and regaining control of my life, who I was, and becoming who I was meant to be. God has made this so clear to me, that this is what I am supposed to be going through right now. I am very peaceful about this, not scared at all whereas I was before. I am excited to see what God has planned for me, how I will grow, and becoming closer to my husband. He fully supports me and told me "whatever it takes, or costs, we will make this happen." So glad I have him by my side, and I know I needed him there before I could move forward as well.

All this also entails working on our marriage. We can't have the marriage we deserve until I fix the things within myself. He is patiently waiting and putting up with me during all this and understands he may have a hard time as well. He may not know how to help, but realizes being there and letting me cry may be all I need. I owe it to him to work as hard as I can to provide him with an amazing wife. I want our marriage to be even more Christ centered and be the best it can be. I am so glad this is all happening at the very beginning rather 10 years in and ends up tearing us apart. He is amazing for wanting to stand by my side during this, knowing what it could entail. I am so thankful for him.

So I ask all of you during this next 6 months, maybe even more, to please pray for me. I am going to need all the help I can get, and knowing I have support out there is going to encourage me and be so helpful. I will try to update you on my journey, but I have no idea where it will go or how hard it will be. I have no idea how much I will be blogging every week. But I just ask you remember me, and pray or encourage me whenever possible. I am not afraid to ask for this because I don't want to do this alone. Thank you so much for understanding and being willing to help me. You guys are awesome!

I want to leave with the lyrics of this song that's really helping me at the moment with this.
The song is called Hope Now by Addison Road.

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out your name
Something inside awakes my soul
How quickly I forget
I am Yours

I am not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

You've become my hearts desire
I will sing your praises higher
Cause your love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by You 
All my life

I want to be this (via Pinterest)

Sometimes you just wanna scream

Sometimes you just wanna scream.
Sometimes you just want to cry.
Sometimes you just want to punch or throw something.
Sometimes you just wanna give up and say unkle.
Sometimes you feel so completely worthless and helpless.

And when this happens, sometimes you just need to get on your knees.

Then you realize you always need to scream to God that you need help.
You always need to cry to him that you so badly need to feel His love and be overflowing.
You always need to punch the Devil and tell him you don't belong to him.
You always need to throw your life fully into God's hands and trust what's happening is happening for a reason.
You always need to know even if you give up on God, he will NEVER give up on you and will never abandon his amazing plans he has for you.
You always need to know God loves you.
GOD LOVES YOU. 
You need to realize He created you with such thought, such love, and is proud to call you His.
You need to realize He is your father, and you are related to the most amazing, magnificent, glorious, loving, caring Savior who is the only thing that really matters, period.
You need to realize he created you in His OWN image, and all those things He is, He has instilled in you.
You need to realize you matter to Him more than anything.
You need to realize He sent his son to die in a cruel torturous death so He could take away the hard part.
You need to realize He carries your burdens and has given you things easy.
You need to realize no matter if you are feeling helpless or that you don't need Him, He is still holding you in his hands.
You need to realize He wants your love.

You need to realize God loves you in every good moment, bad moment, painful moment, joyous moment, and peaceful moment.
You need to realize God loves you every single second of every single day, and has since you have been thought of.

You need to realize God loves you.

Just watch, I guarantee you won't regret it.

Do you know how much God loves you?