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Monday, January 30, 2012

I choose to sing Hallelujah

My heart is so heavy right now. I couldn't sleep. I needed to write. There have been few times in my life where I have been brought to tears of over spilling thankfulness to God. Now is one of them. Now is one of those moments, I am so thankful that praising through the storm has brought me peace and enlightenment. It is moments like these, I realize how GREAT is MY God.

I'm not gonna lie, marriage has gotten easier in some aspects, and in others, I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. Things just aren't changing or he isn't hearing me. And in trying to be patient, things start to wear on you emotionally.

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Do you ever feel like God puts a challenge in your life to test you? So then you are left with a choice, do you choose God, or do you choose the Devil's way? You think, oh I will choose God and I will win! Easy! So you do so, and nothing changes. You are stuck in the same challenge, and not only are you stuck, the challenge has become harder. So now choosing God is a bit more difficult then it was before, but you do it again thinking HAH the Devil will not get me! Now I will be done with this hardship and back to smooth sailing. But God says no.  Now the challenge has become so deep and is hitting you to the core. And this cycle seems to go on to repeat until you finally can barely bear anymore. You literally don't think you can handle anymore. You are at your wits end, and you contemplate maybe the Devil's way won't be so bad after all. But you fight through and you cry out one last time.

This was me today. The past few weeks have been rough for me. Dealing with a lot of emotional and personal issues and I have felt so lonely in every aspect. And I knew this feeling too well, this feeling was my warning sign of depression. And I was choosing God every challenge along this road, and when I saw that old friend depression, I knew I was in trouble. I knew this was bad. The Devil knew I was weak, he knew I was vulnerable and he was trying to attack me in any way, shape or form. And how crazy it is to me, the more I become closer to God, the easier it is to spot the Devil's antics. And I saw him so loud and so clear. It was like he was standing in front of me writing out a bargain for me to sign. Hey pick me, the pain will stop. And in veryyyy small print it says--The pain will stop for NOW. But in the end this will just end up making a HUGE mess and making things worse. I saw through him. I knew this was not the way to go.

I knew picking God's sign could once again up the anty of challenge and pain. And up till this point I was like ya know, I have been through so much already I can handle this easy. I have been through so much worse, this is nothing. And tonight I realized, I don't know if I can handle this, I really don't know if I can take it. I was being rocked to my core. I was being pushed to my faiths limit and to my emotional and mental limits. And I literally was weak, and fell to my knees.

I cried out, and I told God I can't do this alone anymore. I don't understand why you are doing this, I don't get it. But I still want this. I don't want to walk away from the fight, and I want to do what you have commanded me to do. I know it may not get any better any time soon, but I am choosing you God. I am asking you to give me your strength to endure this battle. To be a good christian and to not let the Devil win me over. I need your patience and to remember I am special to You. Your love is what matters most, and to know you are still there for me holding my hand. And as hard as it is to push forward, I will still continue to praise You, even though my heart is torn, my mind is confused, and  my soul is hurting. Just help me God in any way I need it. Help me not to feel broken anymore. Help me to trust you and to know you will get me through this.

At the same time I was listening to music and these two songs came on in a row and it was one of those woah moments. It captured how I felt to the T.

1. Jaci Velasquez- On my knees
There are days when I feel the best of me is ready to begin. 
Then they're days when I feel I'm letting go and soaring on the wind. 
Cause I've learned in laughter or in pain how to survive. 


Chorus
I get on my knees
I get on my knees
There I am before the love that changes me
See I don't know how but there's power 
when I'm on my knees


I can be in a crowd or by myself, or almost anywhere.
When I see there's a need to talk with God, he is my Emanuel.
When I close my eyes no darkness there, only light.

2. Bethany Dillon- Hallelujah
Who can hold the stars and my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach


I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean, do anything
But it's when You hold me
That I start unfolding
And all that I can say is


Chorus
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing Hallelujah.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I choose to sing Hallelujah.


The same sun that rises over castles, welcomes the day
Spills over buildings, into the streets where orphans play
Any only You
Can see the good
In broken things.


You took my heart of stone
And made it home
Set this prisoner free...

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And literally about an hour later, things started to change. What needed to happen SO badly, finally happened. And the reason I sit here in tears of thankfulness is because I saw I beat the Devil. I feel like I made it through God's challenge and that He is so proud of me. And that his reward is giving me what I needed so badly. I waited so long for it and even though my patience dwindled, I still praised him through my storm. And the feeling I got from this, was just such relief and peace. I felt like God was sitting next to me and patted my back and said "Well done my daughter." And I am so thankful, he broke a wall that needed to be broken desperately. I am thankful that I can praise Him knowing he gives and takes away, and can still be thankful for the bad times. They bring growth.

This may be the first time in my life where I really have been pushed to this extent in my faith and still continued to be faithful. And the reward and end result is like a precious gift. I can not explain the feeling to you, and I can not explain what it feels like to feel as though God is literally hugging you. You know when you get that feeling of a weight has been lifted off your chest? It's like that. To me it's what peace feels like.

It's reassurance to know he has my back through all this. And there will be hard times in life, but to just be faithful and know he will get me through. This is the first time I have not done it myself, but let God help me, and it is so much more rewarding then doing it myself! Learning to trust in Him is so very difficult, but I am starting to see now the benefits of giving over the trust.



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Have you had any experiences with trusting God?

2 comments:

Suz and Allan said...

Thoughts and prayers are headed your way!

Lyndsey said...

thanks so much!!