Stand up for marriage!

Happy Tuesday all! So today I figured we would go back down newlywed marriage life! You may recall I have mentioned before the Love and Respect and 5 Love Languages book, and how great they are for any marriage. We are currently doing the Love and Respect book on our date night with many other married couples, and we watch the videos that go along with the book. They are located on youtube if you would like to check them out! This has been helping us tremendously and I would highly recommend it to any couple, whether dating, engaged, or married!

I would also like to recommend 2 movies as well. One is about being a good Christian father, and the other is about having a good Christian marriage. They are both awesome and have helped both of us during our marriage. They are Courageous, and Fireproof. Go get them!!

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via google

Most people assume marriage is going to be just this easy fun thing they portray in movies. Or that if things get hard then I will just get a divorce, easy out! But as Christians, we have decided that when we said I do, we said I do for forever. And we will work as hard as we possibly can to make things work. The word divorce is not in our vocabulary.

Marriage is probably the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life. There are days I want to bang my head against the wall, and there are other days life is grand. But it is a full time job, and going into marriage I hope people understand this. /You have to give up your old selfish life, to be completely selfless. And this is so very hard when you have been selfish for (insert age here) yrs. It takes a lot of transitioning, a lot of trial and error. But when you start understanding God's design for marriage and giving yourself to that, things become wonderful. I am not saying marriage will always be wonderful after this. You will have hard days, and you will have ok days. But in the end you know you have a partner who loves you, and wants the best for you. They love you like Christ loves the church. And that is a great feeling!

But before you can fully feel that love, you also have to have a personal relationship with God. You have to understand your spouse can NOT fulfill you 100% and only God's love can fill you up and fill your inner most needs. So when you have that relationship and closeness with God, you are fulfilled and every sweet thing your spouse does is just an added bonus! And when they do things like this-

Tulip plant (flowers die too fast, he says) & cosmo!

It makes your day so much better, and you are so appreciative! If you say I do, just remember you want to work hard at this new job, you want to make it work, through good and bad, not just good. 

Marriage in our country is such a joke. Do you ever hear the phrase "stand up for marriage?" No. All you hear about are divorces, not long lasting marriages being praised. The amount of divorce and 2 days marriages, or drive throughs in Vegas, are such a mockery to the sanctity of this precious gift God gave us of marriage. It is pretty disgusting to me and so sad to see how selfish people are that they would rather make themselves happy then their spouse, and run to lawyers for divorce papers when things get hard. It saddens me to see the lack of effort people put into marriage anymore, and don't realize the effects it has on their children and families, just so they can be happy. Or they run into someone else's arms because they are not being fulfilled the way they want to. But yet are they trying hard to fulfill their partners needs? If you look at so many other countries, the divorces are far less then in America. No one believes in a long marriage and if you are married 10+ years people perceive it as a miracle! How sad. 

I told someone that divorce was not in our vocabulary and no pre-nup and they were shocked. And couldn't believe we could commit to that and how great there's still people left like that. This is what our country has come to. And pre-nups? Come on you are basically asking for failure. Completely ridiculous if you ask me. If you are adult enough to get married, then you are adult enough to work things out and take responsibility for your choices and actions. 

Another thing that bugs me is how the view of men in marriage has changed so drastically over the past 100 years. Most men are pushed to the back burner, and so disrespected when it comes to marriage, it's no wonder they want out. They get so degraded and belittled, just so the women can have some "rights." But equality in marriage has turned more into the man should bow down to the wife and treat her like a queen. Now I am not saying being treated like a queen is bad, but I will treat him like a King back. We as women are so spoiled as a nation that we think we deserve to be the only ones being respected and treated amazing in marriage. Guys are sidekicks. Well then why get married in the first place? Marriage is not about who reigns above who. You are a partnership and need to treat each other with respect and love. And at the end of the day, the man is the head of the household and should have that respect. Not made to feel like he is dirt on the rug you step all over. Pictures like these used to be funny to me before I got married, but now I realize how mean and disrespectful to a man this is.

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all via Pinterest

Comments like these all make a mockery out of marriage. So it's not wonder our country takes it as a joke when that's all we see most of the time. Or we see all these celebs being married for 72 days, less than a year, 2 days. It is looked upon as a joke and made to be ok to just give up. It's not often you see things like these in movies, or on tv-

all via Pinterest

If only movies and media portrayed marriage as something real, not a joke, do you think our country would have quite a different outlook on marriage? Or if divorce was made illegal? What would happen if people had to stop being selfish and lazy and actually had to work on their marriage last for forever? Imagine it will you? So let's help each other stay married, not push people into getting a divorce. Support the sanctity of marriage and the effort in trying. Stand up for marriage and what it's worth.

Any tips you have for married couples??

A little real life wife talk!

Ok this post isn't just directed towards wife's! I am just speaking from a wife point of view and some things may apply more to wives than other things I talk about! Ok now that we have that out of the way let's move on.

So I was thinking about what I wanted to post today as I was doing our mound of dishes. And I had a few things come to mind and my first thing was about blogging and wifehood. Now I love to read other people's blogs as much as the next person and I have come to see a pattern recently in many blogs I see. If you are a blogger I think you will agree with me that you tend to see a lot of the wive's blogs posted seem to be almost too perfect. All you hear about is how they cook a daily recipe with their amazing pictures on their perfectly decorated tables. Or that pretty much every day in their lives seems to be amazing. They never have anything bad happen to them, maybe a broken nail or a hair out of place. You never hear about their kitchen being dirty *gasp* ever. You never hear about their husbands leaving the toilet seat up and they fall in the toilet in the middle of the night, or once again your husband forgot to refill the toilet paper roll and you are sitting there wondering how you can maneuver to get the extra roll from under the counter without dripping pee all over the place. Their blogs are so peppy and happy ALL the time. I feel as though people think they need to post things so people think you have it all together all the time. Uhm hello, are you alive? This is such crap to me.

It is one thing to post about a really awesome few days or something. But I feel like I am not good enough when I read these oh so perfect blogs. I am sure they didn't even make a mess creating their daily blog masterpiece meals! In all actuality they kind of annoy me. I know their intentions are not to say hey I am better than you, I think they just want people to like their blog and see their superwoman powers they contain. Which as a woman we all have those! I just know my superpowers tend to work when they want to, which doesn't happen every day! I mean my mother is super woman, I am convinced of this. She gives Martha Stewart a run for her money and I don't think Martha would stand a chance! But even my mom's super powers take a break and she has bad days. So what I am getting at is as wonderful as those blogs are, for myself, I want real.

I am tired of women having to live up to these perfect persona's of having to do it all. I want to hear about people's struggle's and how they over come them. I want to hear about trials in your marriage that you found a way to work through. I want to know what pushes you through a bad day or a good day. I want to know how you deal with our raging hormones or a bad hair day. I want to know how falling in the toilet at 2 am was for you. I want to know that saying hey, I need a break is OK. I want to know that not having superpowers 24/7 is normal. I want to know we are all the same and just human.

I love hearing about new recipe's and how to remove stains from my carpet as much as the next wife, but I also want to grow and learn as a person. Being a wife is new territory and I don't think you can ever know it all when it comes to that area. I think helping other wives and women is a blessing. I think most people want to hear the real stuff. If you have gone through something you can laugh and say oh yes I have been there, this is my story. Or hey here is my advice on that. People who never have any problems are complete fakers in my opinion. If you are married you know it isn't easy. So as wives why aren't we trying to help each other more often? Because admitting we aren't perfect is a big scary step. I honestly have more respect for the women who keep it real and aren't afraid to say my kitchen has been dirty for 3 whole days! (oh no!!) There are days I want to scream because I am at the end of my rope! But heaven forbid I say marriage is hard or things aren't going so well. There are other days where marriage is like a heavenly dream and we have a great night. I also like to hear about those things!

I feel like there are so many little secrets to making a marriage work and I want to know them. I am sure I am not the only one who wants to know! And I am sure there are too many proud women who refuse to go buy a self help marriage book because they will figure it out on their own. Come on really? Why make your marriage suffer because of your ego. There's a reason you were not born into wifehood. You have to learn how to be a good wife, it isn't just natural, sorry to burst that bubble. And I don't understand why people are afraid to talk about it. Just because things aren't great doesn't mean you are a failure. If anything find a way to fix it! I was talking to my friend about this and she hadn't mentioned anything to me about her marriage except it was great blah blah and then I suggested a book for her to read and it was like a lightswitch went off and she opened up to me about how they were going to counseling and things were so hard. And I thought why do we need to put up such a front about things. We don't have to sit there and explain in detail how things are going but isn't it wrong to sit there and lie about things as well? I told her if she ever wanted to talk about marriage I am here, I will not sugar coat things and I will be real about it. And if you are mad over toilet paper, I am sure I have a similar story.

You would be amazed at how many other women are going through the same things! Even beginning my blog I thought I will only put things up that show how great of a wife I am so everyone thinks things are great! I now realize that I may have been real about other parts of my life but maybe not so much my marriage. So I am here to promise I will be real to an extent and will not be a "perfect blog," I am here to help in any way I can! If you are having a bad day and want to talk, let me know. If you have a question, let me know. If you want prayer for your marriage or yourself let me know. I want women to know that we don't need to be alone during all this. And it is ok to have dirty dishes in the sink, dirty clothes in the hamper, and a messy place for more then 24 hrs. You are not a bad wife!

I also have a book that I HIGHLY recommend any woman to read that is in a relationship! Whether you have been married 20 yrs or engaged or just dating. This book in phenomenal and it has changed our marriage dramatically! Not to say ours is perfect now, it is daily work. But I feel as though this has given us huge tools and knowledge to work with! It is called Love and Respect.

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This book is not just for the woman it is for the woman and man to read. It basically tells you why women act a certain way and why men do. And you not only learn about how you act and why you act that way, but you learn why the man does too so you can recognize certain things when they are happening. It talks about the crazy cycle. When wives feel unloved they don't respect their husbands. When husbands don't feel respected they act unloving towards their wives. And so the cycle becomes a circle on repeat till someone jumps off. 

Now as important as it is for a woman to feel loved, it is for men to feel respected. When they feel respected they feel loved. As women when we feel loved we feel respected. So you may think because you are showing love in your way to him that he should be responding lovingly, but that is not the case. You may think you are doing something loving but if he feels disrespected in any way he shuts down and becomes unloving. This was a huge revelation to me. I thought back on all our fights and thought about them. I thought showing my concern over something was the right thing to do. But in the midst of it I never realized what I was saying was being disrespectful. And basically anything to bring him down or make him feel like less of a man or unsupported makes him feel disrespected. I had NO idea! It made so much sense why when I was trying to express I felt unloved he felt like I was saying he wasn't good enough which in turn made him feel disrespected. So why would he be loving after that? So now I understand I have to analyze things I say and make sure I am expressing why I feel how I do without being disrespectful.

It also talks about how men and women see things completely differently. Women wear pink sunglasses and pink hearing aids. Men wear blue sunglasses and blue hearing aids. So you could say the same phrase to both the man and woman and they hear two completely different things. That made so much sense to me! And he gives examples of this. 

He also shows biblical reason as why wives need to respect their husband and why husbands need to love their wives. As women we are wired to love unconditionally. So when we hear unconditional respect we are like whatttt??  What is that? How do we do that? Men are wired to have unconditional respect so they hear you need to love unconditionally and they are like whatttt?? What is that? How do we do that? So you see ladies, men and women are QUITE different. So when we talk to them we can't expect them to understand how we feel or to just get it. Cuz trust me they won't! 

He talks about ways you can show respect to your husband and ways husbands can show love to their wives. Because they have no idea what you like and you have no idea what they like. Our view of respect is completely different then their view! There are SO many other great things in this book I can't even begin to tell you! And it WORKS. I am living proof here to tell you this works! It is REALLY hard to not be prideful and selfish and to say sorry. But when things are done right, the end results are amazing! You will find your husband showing you love in your way not theirs. Like cleaning the kitchen, bringing home a card and flowers. When they feel respected they want to show they love you more! It is quite amazing to watch it right in front of your eyes! So if you have not read this book, PLEASE buy it and have your spouse read it with you as well. I promise it will change things!

The second book I would recommend is the 5 love languages. This book talks about how we all have 5 love languages and you figure out your top 2 and your spouse figures out their top 2 and then you are able to know how to show each other love.

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For example my top 2 are quality time and acts of service. So ways I show love are like cleaning the kitchen, making dinner, having food on the table when he gets home from a long day of work, etc. Or watching a movie together, date night. Just having time alone together and having fun. His top 2 are physical touch and words of affirmation. Which are on the bottom of my list. So I may be showing I love him buy making him dinner, but to him it's just food on a table that he doesn't have to make. If he walked in the door I could have no food on the table and I could tackle him and kiss him and hug him and tell him how much I missed him and how much I love him and he would be happier then if I had food on the table when he walked in. It is odd to me since it's not my love language but it's what makes him tick! So learning the others love languages helps you realize you may think you are being loving but they are not receiving that love because they love differently! 

The third book I recommend is Wild at Heart.

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This book is about discovering a man's soul. It helps you understand why they do certain things they do and that you need to let them be "men." Like why they play video games, work out, play sports, paintball, need to own a gun, etc. It also explains their need for physical touch and what happens when they don't get it. Why so many men are addicted to pornography. It is quite insightful and I think your man would enjoy learning about why they do certain things!

The last thing I would like to mention is a lesson from our church that was on marriage. It is about an hour long and it brings up many other points that are not in any of these books that are also quite helpful! Remember when you said I do, you said I do for forever. There is no word like divorce in your vocabulary and you need to do everything possible to make your marriage work. You need to be willing to do whatever it takes and admit you are wrong! http://northridgechurch.com/talks/nrc12/the-notebook%E2%80%A6-choose-to-be-a-good-mate/

So here are a few helpful tips! And I hope these can help someone else as they have helped me! I am not perfect and I will mess up all the time. But I want to be with Antonio for the rest of my life, and it is my priority to make sure our marriage works! If you have any tips, advice, books worth reading, I would love to hear about it! So here is to being real, and I hope as a woman you can know you are amazing whether dinner is made or not! Getting married is a huge step and you are worth being praised for doing so and committing to forever and making it work! Don't give up and know there are so many more out there struggling too! 

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." Proverbs 31:25